Religion in prison is not just a spiritual salve. For many inmates it offers immediate material
benefits if you can play the hustle.
It’s not just about faith, strength, brotherhood or forgiveness of
sins. It’s about getting one over on The
Man. Which plays into an important rule
of prison life: If you can get something
more than what is standard issue, you must take it. Even if you don’t need it or want it, you
take it solely because you can get away with it, thus sticking it to the
administration, AKA The Man. This is why
a guy who is always complaining that it’s too hot, who wears shorts in the dead
of winter and walks barefoot on the yard once the temperature hits 50 degrees
also has four blankets. Is he supposed
to have four blankets? No. Does he need
four blankets or ever use them? Of
course not. Why then does he worry over
these blankets, hiding them during shakedowns and constantly fretting that they
might be confiscated? Because they
represent his victory over The Man.
Other guys hold onto their jackets past the turn-in date, hoard plastic
utensils swiped from the chow hall, or pack a shoebox full of condiment packets
they will never use. You’re not supposed
to have these things, so having them is a win.
How do these scams relate to religion? The key is that various religious traditions
come with privileges. For instance, if
you are Jewish, you can get kosher food daily and order special meals at
Passover. I have never seen such a
clamoring for Matzo! Approaching
Passover, interest in conversion to Judaism really picks up. One guy I overheard say, “Instead of
converting, where can I get one of them Yamahas?” As if wearing a yarmulke alone would be
enough to qualify him for a Jewish diet.
If you’re not into kosher food, is it possible you may have
Native American heritage? If so, you can
wear a brightly colored headband. But
even better, you can participate in sweat lodge ceremonies that include smoking
a ceremonial pipe filled with real tobacco!
Now that smoking is banned in all Bureau of Prisons facilities, an
amazing number of prisoners with heavy tobacco habits have discovered Native
American ancestors.
Not a smoker? Perhaps
Islam will appeal. Muslims are entitled
to a prayer rug, prayer oils, and special bag lunches of food each night during
Ramadan to break their daily fasts.
Prayer rugs are multi-purpose, of course, and come in handy to keep your
feet warm in the morning. As you might
imagine, school cafeteria-quality linoleum tiles get cold, and no self-respecting prisoner would ever
allow his bare feet to touch the floor.
As for the prayer oils, they work in a pinch as a substitute cologne
when a loved one comes to visit. Just
splash on a little prayer oil, and you’re ready to see your wife or girlfriend
(hopefully not at the same time, if you happen to have both – one guy did that
and ended up with neither).
And then there is Rastafarianism, which comes with one major
perk, arguably the best of all, the Rasta Crown. This is a black knit skullcap with yellow,
green and red stripes that is allowed to be worn in places where everyone else
must remove their hats, such as the chow hall, the library, and medical. Though this privilege also applies to the
Jewish yarmulke and Muslim Kufi, the Crown wins on style points (think Bob
Marley vs. your local rabbi for who looks coolest). Plus, the Crown is not easily acquired. The Rastafarians are very discerning at
weeding out uncommitted wannabees.
I understand that the whole idea of adopting a religion just
to garner a few privileges seems hypocritical.
But prison is a unique culture with mores that are different from the
outside world's. It all comes back to the
Scam The Man mentality. Get yours, even
if and especially if The Man doesn’t want you to have it. While I don’t condone thinking this way,
particularly in regards to religion, I’ve come to appreciate it. Now I just have to figure out the best way to
tell the family about my new name:
Rudeboy Mohammed “Old Bear” Ibromowitz.
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