Birthdays in Prison

It was my daughter’s birthday a few days ago.  It was not a good day to be in prison.  I love birthdays, maybe more than most people.  My wife’s, my children’s, my own.  To me it’s like Halloween, Christmas and New Year’s all rolled into one.  My wife did a great job of single-handedly carrying on the family tradition of making a big fuss.  A daylong celebration.  I called home and tried to keep it together while chatting with my little (well, not so little anymore) darling.  I love you, I miss you, have a great birthday.  The homemade (prison-made) present I’d sent her had not yet arrived, but I told her it was on its way.  She assured me she would love it, would love anything I gave her, and laughed.  I could hear the smile in her voice.  I have amazing children.  My job was to stay upbeat, no sadness, its her birthday, keep it light.  We said our goodbye, but then when my wife got on the tears came.  I apologized for not being there, thanked her for giving us this amazing gift, this brilliant child, 14 years ago.  I told her I admired her strength.  I’ve hurt my wife and kids.  Not being there on my daughter’s birthday is just another example.

My wife gets mad at me.  She has days where she doesn’t want to talk to me.  Days where she doesn’t want to think about it.  When the pain is bigger than words.  I have loved my wife for 25 years.  She is the only woman I have ever loved.  We have two incredible children whom I love dearly.  Every day, I think about the hurt I’ve caused them.  All I can do here is carry on, love them inside these walls.  Try to make sure they know I am sorry and would NEVER AGAIN do something that would take me away from them.  Life has no guarantees.  What I can control is effort and intention.  So every day I wake up determined to once again be the best father, husband, son, brother, and friend I can be.  On bad days I fear that I won’t be given that chance again.  I just hope that people will have faith in me.  I feel that I still have a lot to offer to those in my life.  Prison cannot take away Love.

I’ll miss more birthdays before I get out.  Every day in here is a test, though birthdays are harder than others.  You learn not to look too far ahead, just pass each test as it comes.  Looks like my birthday is next up.  At least I have a few months to get ready for that one!  Peace and love to all!