New Mattress!

Okay, so an update on my quest to maximize my Bid.  To be biddin’ means to tune into not only the above-board approved prison rules, but also the unwritten rules of favors and barters.  What you need duct tape?  I need sugar.  Deal!   

You may recall after months of finagling, I worked my way into the bottom bunk of a two-man cube against the backside of the building, a primo chair in the TV room, a library job, and a coveted brass belt buckle.  My next big goal is an Early Chow Pass, not yet attained.  In the meantime, my ambitious goal became acquiring a new mattress for my bunk.  Not an easy feat by any means.  Logic, infirmity, begging, these will not prevail.  You must run a hustle.  One counter-intuitive but effective strategy is to give up your middle of the road mattress for a ¼-inch thick miserable excuse for a pad in hopes of later swapping it for a brand new mattress.  As you might imagine, this trick can go horribly wrong, but I figured it was worth the gamble.  Even staring down the possibility of sleeping on what feels no thicker than a blanket stretched over a steel bunk.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, even a new mattress in here is no Sleep Number Sealy Postur-Pedic Serta Pillowtop.  It’s just a new 4-5 inch thick plastic-wrapped slab of foam.  But still, something to aspire to.   

So after two wretchedly sleepless nights it was time to make my move.  With medical paperwork chronicling an orthopedic injury to bolster my claim and bags under my eyes to seal the deal, I drag myself down to the Counselor, settling in for the expected evasive back and forth, hemming and hawing and the likelihood of returning in a couple of days for Round 2.  To my surprise, in no time at all I walked out with a brand new still in the bag mattress!  The Counselor had warned me, though, not to let guys see this, especially not the ones who would immediately come begging for one right after me.  So I plotted my course, angling for hiding spots along the way to my bunk, but the whole trip was like a prison version of The Pink Panther.  Stumbling along, hauling a floppy mattress, trying to look inconspicuous.  Aside from enlisted accomplices, only two inmates witnessed my escapade, and they were easily paid off with soft drinks and the reminder that each of them somehow sleeps on two mattresses!   

Twenty minutes later, bed is made, old mattress tossed, and I’m good and ready for a nap.  Dreaming of my Holy Grail, that early chow pass.  I will have to devise a grand plan, this may take some time, but it’s not beyond all hope.  Update to come!