Our Very Own Birdman

I’m both a librarian and a sports referee in this town of 1300 residents, all confined to an area less than one half mile by one half mile, so I know a lot of people and -- being a gregarious guy -- can talk with most of them, whatever their mood or situation.  But I don’t even come close to this one guy, the most infamous inmate on the compound:  Birdman.  Okay, before you ask, no, he was not given this nickname in homage to the famous Birdman of Alcatraz.  He got it because he communicates exclusively using bird sounds.  That’s right, he walks around all day chirping, cackling, and squawking like a bird.  And people actually ANSWER him as if he’s making sense!  One thing I’ve learned from this, though, is that language is not just words.  Most of what we communicate is non-verbal, body language, tone, glances.  You can convey a lot with hand gestures.  So sometimes I find myself trying to talk with Birdman, the way you might with an actual bird person, if you can imagine such a creature.

This is all amusing, I suppose, until you’re walking up the hill to chow and Birdman calls in the seagulls, which swoop in like a deranged flight of the Navy’s Blue Angels, buzzing the guard tower and your head!  Yes, the birds understand him perfectly!  Let me assure you that I have seen Birdman reading and writing.  In fact, he is quite literate.  Like so many behaviors here in prison, his bird talk is all part of the Hustle.

So what, you may ask, is his hustle?  Well, the guy was having headaches and complained of blurred vision.  Turned out he had a brain tumor, which was removed without a hitch, but when he woke up from surgery he could not speak; he could only make birdlike utterances.  This was nearly three years ago!  So most people accept that his disability was caused by a botched brain tumor operation.   If Oliver Sacks were still alive, no doubt he’d be flying down for an interview.  But as it turns out, Birdman has a plan.  He’s going to file suit against the government for negligence, cruel and unusual punishment, pain and suffering, etc., then get discharged with a big settlement and live a life of luxury.  There is just one flaw to his logic:  people have heard him let his guard slip and actually speak English.  Which is understandable, since it must be hard to maintain his charade 24-7.  People have heard him arguing with his cellie, talking to himself while typing in the library, and even singing to himself in the shower.  Still he persists, no doubt counting on the unwritten rules of prison life to help him.  In this case, the rule is our intense desire to get something over on the administration.  We would all like nothing better than to see Birdman win, so we can all laugh at the idiocy of the BOP.  Little victories like that can help you get through a bad day.  Which is why if I’m ever asked about Birdman’s speech, my answer will be a resounding, “Caw!  Caw!”