The topic today is the tv show Charmed. Maybe you know it? Alyssa Milano, Rose McGowan, the other girl, and sometimes the pre-Big-Boys Kailey Coroco, attractive women to be sure, but plenty of shows have hot women. As you might expect, the popularity of tv shows in prison is directly correlated to said hotness.
Still, Alyssa Milano alone cannot explain the INSANE level of devotion inspired by Charmed among my fellow guests of the BOP. The following is a 100% true report of our prison Nielson ratings. In the common room, there are eight televisions. One is dedicated to sports (usually ESPN), another to news (most likely CNN), the others to Telemundo, BET/VH1, and – the tv known as the “white” tv is typically tuned to Discovery/History/A&E. This leaves three tv’s that rotate among FX/AMC/TNT (movie channels), and local tv for shows like American Idol and Family Feud. All good, no problems, right?
Not so fast! An argument, a serious argument, broke out over which tv would have Charmed on every morning. As more than one person emphatically stated, “I ain’t never been to no prison in the m-f’ing BOP that don’t show Charmed." Guys got really upset over this. Life without Charmed? Unthinkable! Some guys got into discussing what things are worth taking a stand for, the list going something like this: (1) being called a B__tch; (2) comments about your wife or mother; (3) dude blowin’ up your hustle (taking money out of your pocket); and (4) Charmed! Obsessive viewers can quote lines from their favorite episodes. If you say, Season 3, Episode 4, they can recite a synopsis that will pass a fact check conducted via phone with a Googler on the other end. I’ve even observed guys turning the channel from a Breaking Bad marathon so as not to miss Charmed! Workout schedules are planned around favorite episodes. The other day, they even switched off ESPN to watch the show. Now, you must understand the gravity of such a situation. The gamblers need ESPN nearly 24-7 for scores, odds, injury updates, etc. But for Charmed, hey, go for it.
As I may have said before, prison is truly Bizarro World (refer to the interwebs for Bizarro-Superman explanation and then Seinfeld for an amusing take on the concept). I mean, on what planet would someone argue that Charmed is a good tv show? Milano a great actress? Don’t get me wrong, Who’s the Boss was a cute show. What 12-15 year old boy didn’t like Milano on that show? But nobody was ever fooled into thinking she’d be a future Oscar winner.
Maybe it’s like comfort food – just knowing it will be on every day, that you can rely on it, adds some continuity to your otherwise Groundhog Day life. After all, it’s a harmless, sometimes amusing/entertaining way to eat up some time. They show the episodes in order. When the four seasons end, they just start over again from the beginning, and the guys just keep watching!
I wonder if the ladies of Charmed know about their incredible popularity in prison? Here’s a million dollar idea: “Prison Workouts with Alyssa, Rose, and the Other Lady”- a book or day calendar! You could dress the Witches in prison garb and add in little blurbs about them, like VH1’s pop-up videos. If – no when! – this takes off, you can move on to other publications, such as: Orange is the New Black Yoga, Martha Stewart’s Convict Cooking (don’t laugh, through her friendship with Snoop, guys in prison LOVE them some Martha!), and Felicity and Lori’s Guide to Prison Parenting. We’re talking media empire here! ConvicTV, books, movies.... Just wait until the former President goes to prison, this thing will explode bigly, it will be YUGE!
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