Tired

Have you ever had a day that was just “tired”?  A day where you were drained of energy or out of patience or stuck on a treadmill or just worn out by hard use?  Well, that’s pretty much every day in prison, and in prison all of those situations apply.  For example:

Drained of Energy:  Even in a relatively safe and non-threatening prison, it takes more energy to do everyday chores than on the outside.  You have to prepare yourself each morning to get out of bed when you wake up and realize again that you are behind bars.  Another day facing the reality of punishment for the sake of punishment, punishment intended to teach a lesson that you’ve long since learned.  If you ask me, 75% of the people I’ve met in here have been in jail too long.  One, five, ten, even twenty years in some cases, what is the point?  A perfect example of the Law of Diminishing Returns.  So you wake up to this futility again, and some days, you just don’t have the energy to face it, you’re just flat-out tired.  Shower?  Work out?  Forget it.  But you can’t fall into the trap of wallowing in your bunk all day.  As I’ve mentioned before, prisoners have an “us against them” mentality, the inmates versus the system.  If you don’t get up, it looks like “they” have won one.  So every day, no matter how I feel, I tell myself, “Today’s not the day they break me.”  (By that I mean the criminal justice system and the indifferent Bureau of Prisons.)  How do I re-energize?  What works for me is thinking of something I can do to help someone else.  May sound crazy, but a humane act in an inhumane environment, showing that someone cares, refusing to pick up the fiddle and play the “woe is me” pity party tune, it helps me get going, and before long I can say, “Okay, that’s one day closer to leaving.”

Out of Patience:  I’m a pretty patient person, most of the time.  That being said, prison could try the patience of Mother Teresa.  Any system devised by the BOP is inefficient.  Mail call, meals, count, laundry, you name it and I guarantee you that a marginally organized middle school student could think of a better way.  But the typical institutional BS isn’t the worst of it.  This may sound funny to you, but I am out of patience with the mangling of the English language perpetrated daily in this place.  For example, one guy always says, “I’m gonna tell you one thing for sure, two things for certain…” but has never (as far as I’ve heard) listed three items.  Not to mention that if you are sure of something isn’t that the same as being certain of something?  Another example:  “Lebron James is LIKE THAT!”  To which I replied, “Like what?”  I was then told, “No, he’s not like anything, he’s LIKE THAT!”  The fellow then explained, “Ben & Jerry’s ice cream is LIKE THAT!  Beyonce is LIKE THAT!”  Okay, fine, I still don’t know what they are like, but I imagine it’s a compliment.  Hopefully, my blog is LIKE THAT!”  Further or farther?  Good versus well?  They’re, their, there?  Don’t go there.  I’ve also lost patience with the persistent negativity.  Okay, yes, I get it, we are all in prison and prison sucks, but we don’t need some guy announcing it like the town crier all day long, with details of each and every way it sucks, every day, all day long.  I could go on, but I’m sure you get the point and are losing patience with me for dragging this out so long.  So let’s move on to the third way we get tired.

Stuck on a Treadmill:  It’s not just the constant repetition of complaints all day, it’s also the same guys telling the same jokes and stories while sitting in the same seats at the same tables watching the same tv shows or playing the same board games at the same time every day.   Like in my post about Groundhog Day, I don’t know if there is an original thought to be had most days.  Does every guy have to slam the dominos or cards down on the table every time as if trying to break the table in half?  One guy came by my cube one night while I was playing cards with three friends.  We were playing hearts, drinking soda and talking.  Guy leans in the doorway looking totally perplexed.  Finally he asks what in the hell we’re doing?  Playing cards, dude.  He shakes his head and says, “Dayum, white people play cards funny.”  This results in a comical conversation where us four white guys try to play cards like the black guys do, slamming cards down like hearts is a contact sport, insulting each other, shouting, “Cracker!” or “Whitey!” with each slap of a card.  Umm, where was I before this little digression?  That’s right, the lack of originality in all of our interactions.  Well, I guess occasionally there’s a ray of light!

Worn out by Hard Use:  This is simple, you’ve been there.  In prison, though, the whole environment is worn out, if not broken.  The chairs, bunks, showers, workout gear.  Everything is patched together or prison-rigged.  When the administration is asked about getting new mattresses or pillows or chairs, the answer is invariably no.  The reason, of course, is no budget for it.  Maybe they could let some of us go and fix stuff with some of the $78k they spend to house each of us for a year?

Speaking of tired, right now I am feeling the most common type of fatigue.  I need to go to bed.  I’ll say this, in addition to being patient, I also happen to be optimistic.  I believe that things will get better.  I realize that there is always someone worse off than me.  I am blessed to have family and friends who care.  More than anything, that’s what keeps me going, their love waking me up when I’m feeling beat.