Covid-19 Related Quotes

 

“I’m not worried.  Asymptomatic runs in my family.”

 

“What?  You’re locking us in all together so we can social distance? What kind of f**ked up sh*it is that?”

 

As the list of inmate deaths reaches 24:

 

“If an inmate dies in prison and the warden doesn’t acknowledge it, does anyone hear?”

 

Neighbor overheard praying:

 

“Dear God, I swear I will never take my good fortune for granted again, knowing you have graced me with all I have, just PLEASE, no more peanut butter!”

 

Guy 1:  How much you want for the turkey?

Guy 2:  4 stamps and the peanut butter thrown in.

Guy 1:  I don’t have any peanut butter.

Guy 2:  No, I’ll sell you the turkey but you gotta take the peanut butter, too!

 

Random explosion on Day 58 of Covid-19 Lockdown, no one leaving the dorm

 

As God is my witness, if one more person asks me if I saw the weather report – we can’t go outside anyway, IT DOESN’T MATTER!

 

One inmate to another, after being informed by the Asst. Warden that our possibly becoming infected by guards is a “faulty premise.”

 

Mark my words, they’re going to end up blaming this flu on us!

 

One day later, staff member to inmate drinking coffee with mask around his chin.

 

You see, that’s why people are sick – because YOU PEOPLE aren’t careful!”

 

Inmate to others after yet another announcement that left us all feeling abandoned:

 

It’s time we put all the BS aside. This isn’t about your charges, your gang, your color, religion or car*.  This is about being human, being a man. We are all brothers, we need to help each other, we need to all make it. So I don’t know about the rest of you – you make the choice – but I know I gotcha. I am my brother’s keeper!

 

*Car = slang for where you came from (the VA Car the DC car, etc.)

 

Adventures in Grammar

(Real statements/bulletins from the prison staff)

 

Posted Example of a Disciplinary Shot:

All inmates at the LSCI are required to dawn a mask at all times in the housing unit. (Thank goodness they clarified!  I’d been dusking my mask all this time.)

 

Announced Response to Some Guys Decorating their Masks:

Return to your Cubes! You will be issued new masks. Any altercations involving masks will result in a disciplinary shot. (Phew, glad they’re on top of this one! I nearly got my butt kicked last night by a couple of surly masks.)

 

Misunderstanding re Covid in Prison:

Inmate:  “Hey guard, where’s your mask?”

Guard: “You guys are negative, right? Don’t worry about me. I won’t contact the virus.”

Inmate: “Um, but you could give it to us.”

Guard: “It came from y’all in the first place!”

 

(Okay, where to go with this? I think he really does believe Covid mysteriously came from us, as if it floated in on a cloud and infected us inmates first.  And how is it that the guards get away without wearing masks around us?  Finally, does he actually think the guy asked him about it because we’re worried about him?  Contact?  Hope he meant contract.

 

Guard Addressing a Group of Guys Gathered at a Cube:  “Hey, remember your sociable distancing!”

(We discussed this one.  Was the guard being clever? Intentionally funny? If so, pretty good. Or was it just a lucky swing? The 300-yard drive after a million mulligans? I’m leaning towards the blind squirrel finding a nut – but you never know.

Rep - Cred - Status

Regardless (or according to Merriam-Webster, as of this week, I can officially say “irregardless,” though you’ll never convince me) what you call it, status is very important to many in prison.  Guys seek it out in lots of ways, for instance, a wrist watch not available on the compound, a new pair of sneakers, the loudest juiced up headphones, tv-channel changing rights, the number of women you claim are sending you money (don’t get mad at me, I just tell it like it is, I don’t condone it).  The list goes on and on, ranging from ridiculous and inane to downright sad.

 

I’m trying to cause a sea-change by being the nicest guy in prison, but after several years here still have not noticed anybody really granting “cred” to nice guys. 

 

During lockdown with corona, things have gotten pretty weird. The two biggest status symbols have become working out and fruit salad, I kid you not. Both have resulted in some truly ludicrous behaviors.  Guys who previously left their bunks only because bed pans weren’t available have evolved into clones of Billy Banks, Jack Lalaine, or in one mildly disturbing case, an even creepier Richard Simmons. I applaud getting in shape, but this crowded unit is not 24-Hour Fitness Club.  Or is it?  Day and night, guys proclaim loudly and publicly that they are “gettin’ money!”  Grunting, sweating, running up and down the hallways, doing pull-ups in the shower while people are trying to shower, hauling weight bags made out of peanut butter packs wrapped up in a towel (see last week’s post re our current peanut butter obsession). Burpees! Burpees! Burpees!  You’d think burpees could cure cancer and bring on world peace.  Guys shout, “I got in 5,000 burpees today!”  Which is only believable if they used their ample guts for the rebound effect.  As for form, forget it. 

 

That said, I believe a few guys have transformed and will hopefully stay on the path to a leaner, healthier self, but somehow the others appear to be growing fatter!  Claims of 4,000 pushups a day.  You have to wonder, wouldn’t 3,000 do the job? 2,000?  One guy called me out for just doing 18 sets of 12 pushups. Said my 216 slow pushups, attempting perfect form, was lame.  Ought to be doing his 2,000 head dips (technique is to bend the elbows a couple inches and bob the head) instead.  Whatever. 

 

And, of course, after your rigorous workout, what do you eat?  Fruit salad!  But you can’t just eat it, you have to flaunt it, brandish it, proclaim you got you some fruit salad for all to hear.  Don’t get me wrong, I like fruit.  Fruit is healthy. During lockdown, we get a lot of fruit. But this fruit salad obsession?  Watching the guys all hepped up like they’re on meth or something, at first I didn’t get it.  And then one day I watched the giant vat of fruit salad being made.  They throw in some sliced apples, oranges, bananas, and pears, but the secret ingredient, a ha!  Hawaiian Punch flavor packs and – wait for it! – Mountain Dew!  Of course!  The fruit salad freaks are flying high on insane amounts of caffeine and sugar!  No wonder no matter how much they work out, they just gain weight!  But then when I think about it, this Frankenfruit Salad is the perfect diet to match our insane workouts.  Perfectly in line with the general insanity of lockdown.