Regardless (or according to Merriam-Webster, as of this week, I can officially say “irregardless,” though you’ll never convince me) what you call it, status is very important to many in prison. Guys seek it out in lots of ways, for instance, a wrist watch not available on the compound, a new pair of sneakers, the loudest juiced up headphones, tv-channel changing rights, the number of women you claim are sending you money (don’t get mad at me, I just tell it like it is, I don’t condone it). The list goes on and on, ranging from ridiculous and inane to downright sad.
I’m trying to cause a sea-change by being the nicest guy in prison, but after several years here still have not noticed anybody really granting “cred” to nice guys.
During lockdown with corona, things have gotten pretty weird. The two biggest status symbols have become working out and fruit salad, I kid you not. Both have resulted in some truly ludicrous behaviors. Guys who previously left their bunks only because bed pans weren’t available have evolved into clones of Billy Banks, Jack Lalaine, or in one mildly disturbing case, an even creepier Richard Simmons. I applaud getting in shape, but this crowded unit is not 24-Hour Fitness Club. Or is it? Day and night, guys proclaim loudly and publicly that they are “gettin’ money!” Grunting, sweating, running up and down the hallways, doing pull-ups in the shower while people are trying to shower, hauling weight bags made out of peanut butter packs wrapped up in a towel (see last week’s post re our current peanut butter obsession). Burpees! Burpees! Burpees! You’d think burpees could cure cancer and bring on world peace. Guys shout, “I got in 5,000 burpees today!” Which is only believable if they used their ample guts for the rebound effect. As for form, forget it.
That said, I believe a few guys have transformed and will hopefully stay on the path to a leaner, healthier self, but somehow the others appear to be growing fatter! Claims of 4,000 pushups a day. You have to wonder, wouldn’t 3,000 do the job? 2,000? One guy called me out for just doing 18 sets of 12 pushups. Said my 216 slow pushups, attempting perfect form, was lame. Ought to be doing his 2,000 head dips (technique is to bend the elbows a couple inches and bob the head) instead. Whatever.
And, of course, after your rigorous workout, what do you eat? Fruit salad! But you can’t just eat it, you have to flaunt it, brandish it, proclaim you got you some fruit salad for all to hear. Don’t get me wrong, I like fruit. Fruit is healthy. During lockdown, we get a lot of fruit. But this fruit salad obsession? Watching the guys all hepped up like they’re on meth or something, at first I didn’t get it. And then one day I watched the giant vat of fruit salad being made. They throw in some sliced apples, oranges, bananas, and pears, but the secret ingredient, a ha! Hawaiian Punch flavor packs and – wait for it! – Mountain Dew! Of course! The fruit salad freaks are flying high on insane amounts of caffeine and sugar! No wonder no matter how much they work out, they just gain weight! But then when I think about it, this Frankenfruit Salad is the perfect diet to match our insane workouts. Perfectly in line with the general insanity of lockdown.
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