The Great Tofu Disappearance

I want to come clean about something.  All the Correctional Officers (CO’s) here are not power-hungry, inmate hating psychos.  Some are decent, even friendly and funny (not unintentionally funny due to incompetence, but genuinely entertaining).  Allow me to illustrate this with an anecdote, which we will title The Great Tofu Disappearance.

JR, a buddy of mine, works in the kitchen and was recently promoted to the serving line.  This garners him more pay and the privilege of serving up generous portions to friends.  He has been assigned to what we call the “black side” because almost every African American inmate goes through that side.  White guys use it also, but almost no minorities use the other line, which is known as the “white side”.   This doesn’t seem to have anything to do with intimidation, fighting, or discrimination, it’s just an accepted fact of life in the chow hall.  Okay, so the other night the two entrée choices were Pork or Tofu.  JR looked down at the tofu and thought it didn’t look very filling, so he started ladling out two or three scoops to anyone who asked for it.  Two-thirds of the way through serving all the Units, the tofu ran out, so my buddy called out “Tofu Up!”  No reply from the kitchen.  “Tofu Up!” a second time, then a third, with no response.  Finally, though, Ms. B., the evening CO for the chow hall, came over to see what was up.  Their exchange went like this:

Ms. B:  Why you yelling for more Tofu?

JR:  We’re out.

Ms. B:  Out?  What you mean we’re out?  You stealing my Tofu?

JR: No ma’am.  I’m just a redneck from Alabama.  I don’t even know what tofu is.

Ms. B.:  (In a loud but not mad, more of an amused, tone of voice) Well, we got us a problem.  Cuz never in the history of the history of the Motherf___in’ history of this prison have we ever run out of tofu on the black side!  (This perked up all ears, everyone entertained by her rant.)  You know why, JR?

JR:  No ma’am.

Ms. B:  (She’s African American, which I only mention because of what she is about to say.)  I’ll tell you why.  Cuz every motherf___er in the world knows N_____ers don’t eat Tofu!  (She pauses for effect, waiting for the laughter to die down.)  Next thing you know, we gonna be runnin’ outta mother___in humus!  Humus and Tofu, JR?  It ain’t like it’s chicken.  Where the hell did it go?

JR:  Well, umm, I was just giving three scoops of Tofu to those who asked….

Ms. B.:  THREE SCOOPS?  3 MOTHERF____IN’ SCOOPS!  G-damn I will never understand white people.  Three scoops of tofu when you could have a nice slice of swizzle (pork).  (Shaking her head in resignation, Ms. B walks off.)

Ms. B., by the way, is one of the best liked CO’s, not only because of her colorful language.  She works hard, tries to make the food taste good, and boy is she entertaining!