Remember, as a kid, taking pride in making your bed? Trying to tuck in the corners and get the
pillows just right? Then you got a
little older and it became a choice. Mom
having to remind you, but you still did it, maybe even with a little effort. Adolescence: Where Made Beds Go to Die! As a teenager your mom is just happy if
nothing is growing or living in the bed.
Eventually, you grow up, get married and accept the fact that you have
to make your bed. It’s what “responsible”
people do. Just when you think you have
it figured out, you end up in prison, where up is down and down is up, and
believe it or not, bed-making strategies can serve as a guide to the
personality and mental health of your fellow inmates. Bear with me a moment here; I’m either a
genius sociologist/ psychologist OR my life is so lame that I see patterns in
the most mundane events.
To begin, you have to understand the three sleeping
camps: (1) traditional, (2) extreme, and
(3) hybrid. These three styles of
sleeping directly influence bed-making.
Traditional: Picture
the way you slept most of your life.
Fitted sheet, then neatly made up bed.
You “got in” the bed. I fall in
this category, even in prison, sleeping in as normal a way as possible
considering my circumstances, fitted sheet-me-sheet-blanket. To me, guys who sleep this way are the most well-adjusted
prisoners. Laid back, adaptable, and easy-going,
they refuse to live like a Viking/heathen/nutcase, still holding on to some of
our pre-prison habits and lifestyle.
Extreme: Traditional
doesn’t work for these guys, many of whom have spent time in higher security
settings where you need to be unencumbered and ready to jump up at any
moment. Bed is permanently made up; sleep
on top of everything wearing sweats, hat, and socks. Jacket draped on top if it’s
cold. So you're ready to go if "shit jumps off!" Nothing ever happens here that
would call for such emergency readiness, but these guys are creatures of habit,
most suffer from PTSD, they’re always edgy and jump anyway, and can’t even
relax at bedtime. They will do
anything to keep their beds tight at all times.
They’ll sew sheet and blanket together, knot them down with shoe strings, even
smuggle Velcro from the sweatshop to secure their linens. When they get up in the morning, it’s like magic,
the bed looks newly made! A child could
use it as a trampoline. Guys who sleep
on top of their made beds range from a little
off to totally bonkers. At the far end
of the spectrum, I’m talking “totally burnt,” as in “that dude is burnt” or “ese
hombre esta quemado.” Completely
institutionalized! Some even sleep in
their boots! They’ll tell you they
started their bid at a place so dangerous that they had to stay completely
unencumbered at all times. Now, in this
more relaxed environment, they can’t turn it off. Which leads me to ask, What are we doing to
human beings in these prisons? Incarceration
isn’t punishment enough – we have to scare people to death, too?
Hybrid: This group is
generally populated by former Extreme sleepers, lazy guys, and a handful who
just decide to sleep in this manner. They
keep their beds made, then sleep on top wrapped up in another blanket. It’s efficient, I must say. In the morning they just have to fold up the
blanket at the end of the bed and go on their way. These guys need to be watched closely for any
changes in their sleeping/bedmaking style as a guide to their state of
mind. Are they moving along the spectrum
towards Traditionalists or Extremes?
Guys in both the Extreme and Hybrid groups make fun of us Traditionalists. They don’t need to spend the 2-3 minutes
required in the morning to make their beds.
They have all 60-90 seconds free to. . .do more prison! More time to do nothing at all! We
traditionalists, frankly, try to avoid the Extreme guys when we can. They may be nice guys, wise and helpful at
times, but they are unpredictable.
Sometimes, even, mind-bogglingly crazed.
The Hybrid crew? A hodge-podge. When a new guy comes on the unit, we all keep
our eyes open during that initial probationary period. Sounds weird, I guess, but bedmaking style is
a key element in that assessment.
