How Do You Sleep?

Remember, as a kid, taking pride in making your bed?  Trying to tuck in the corners and get the pillows just right?  Then you got a little older and it became a choice.  Mom having to remind you, but you still did it, maybe even with a little effort.  Adolescence: Where Made Beds Go to Die!  As a teenager your mom is just happy if nothing is growing or living in the bed.  Eventually, you grow up, get married and accept the fact that you have to make your bed.  It’s what “responsible” people do.  Just when you think you have it figured out, you end up in prison, where up is down and down is up, and believe it or not, bed-making strategies can serve as a guide to the personality and mental health of your fellow inmates.  Bear with me a moment here; I’m either a genius sociologist/ psychologist OR my life is so lame that I see patterns in the most mundane events.

To begin, you have to understand the three sleeping camps:  (1) traditional, (2) extreme, and (3) hybrid.  These three styles of sleeping directly influence bed-making.

Traditional:  Picture the way you slept most of your life.  Fitted sheet, then neatly made up bed.  You “got in” the bed.  I fall in this category, even in prison, sleeping in as normal a way as possible considering my circumstances, fitted sheet-me-sheet-blanket.  To me, guys who sleep this way are the most well-adjusted prisoners.  Laid back, adaptable, and easy-going, they refuse to live like a Viking/heathen/nutcase, still holding on to some of our pre-prison habits and lifestyle.

Extreme:  Traditional doesn’t work for these guys, many of whom have spent time in higher security settings where you need to be unencumbered and ready to jump up at any moment.  Bed is permanently made up; sleep on top of everything wearing sweats, hat, and socks.  Jacket draped on top if it’s cold.  So you're ready to go if "shit jumps off!"  Nothing ever happens here that would call for such emergency readiness, but these guys are creatures of habit, most suffer from PTSD, they’re always edgy and jump anyway, and can’t even relax at bedtime.  They will do anything to keep their beds tight at all times.  They’ll sew sheet and blanket together, knot them down with shoe strings, even smuggle Velcro from the sweatshop to secure their linens.  When they get up in the morning, it’s like magic, the bed looks newly made!  A child could use it as a trampoline.  Guys who sleep on top of their made beds range from  a little off to totally bonkers.  At the far end of the spectrum, I’m talking “totally burnt,” as in “that dude is burnt” or “ese hombre esta quemado.”  Completely institutionalized!  Some even sleep in their boots!  They’ll tell you they started their bid at a place so dangerous that they had to stay completely unencumbered at all times.  Now, in this more relaxed environment, they can’t turn it off.  Which leads me to ask, What are we doing to human beings in these prisons?  Incarceration isn’t punishment enough – we have to scare people to death, too? 

Hybrid:  This group is generally populated by former Extreme sleepers, lazy guys, and a handful who just decide to sleep in this manner.  They keep their beds made, then sleep on top wrapped up in another blanket.  It’s efficient, I must say.  In the morning they just have to fold up the blanket at the end of the bed and go on their way.  These guys need to be watched closely for any changes in their sleeping/bedmaking style as a guide to their state of mind.  Are they moving along the spectrum towards Traditionalists or Extremes?

Guys in both the Extreme and Hybrid groups make fun of us Traditionalists.  They don’t need to spend the 2-3 minutes required in the morning to make their beds.  They have all 60-90 seconds free to. . .do more prison!  More time to do nothing at all!   We traditionalists, frankly, try to avoid the Extreme guys when we can.  They may be nice guys, wise and helpful at times, but they are unpredictable.  Sometimes, even, mind-bogglingly crazed.  The Hybrid crew?  A hodge-podge.  When a new guy comes on the unit, we all keep our eyes open during that initial probationary period.  Sounds weird, I guess, but bedmaking style is a key element in that assessment.