Shower Curtains

In preparation for an inspection by ACA (an independent, non-BOP organization) -- that had been expected for over a year -- our fearless jailers suddenly leaped into action.  Spray fresh paint over mold, check.  Problem guests shipped elsewhere, check.  The proverbial lipstick on a pig approach.  But no single effort garnered as much attention as the surprising addition of shower curtains.  We all thought, whoah, a truly private shower!  What a concept!

As I believe I’ve mentioned before, we’re fortunate that we don’t have to shower in a big open room, like you see on tv prisons.  We do have these rectangular stalls, sort of like the toilet stalls in public restrooms, but with a shower nozzle on the wall.  Dividers go from floor to about 6 feet high.  But they’re open, no door, so a curtain would be awesome!

The inspectors, we’ learned, insist on curtains because we have three official card-carrying transgender inmates (yes, the BOP issues an ID card for that).  Legally, they must be afforded a private shower experience, so the simplest solution (so you’d think) is to put up shower curtains on every stall.  Big deal, right?  How could anybody screw that up?  Well, let me count the ways:

1.     They never ordered the curtains, so they had to…

2.     Make them here, but…

3.     They didn’t want to spend the money to do it right, so…

4.     They cut pieces of vinyl and stapled (yes, stapled!) Velcro tabs to the sides and…

5.     Screwed the Velcro pieces to the wall of the shower, but…

6.     The Velcro was immediately swiped by inmates and…

7.     The curtains are hard to keep clean, because…

8.     We aren’t allowed to spray them down, and…

9.     THE KICKER FOR THOSE OF US NOT OVER 6 FOOT 6 INCHES TALL, the curtains are located halfway down the length of the stall, so you have this little 3 foot by 3 foot space to shower in and the nozzle is not adjustable, so if you’re my size or thereabouts when you turn on the water you get blasted with an industrial strength fire hose of water directly in the face.  Move back and you run into the curtain (yuck!), move forward and you hit the wall.  It’s like getting water-boarded or pressure-washed in the skull!

So, basically, I’m done with the curtain fiasco.  We had such high hopes, too.  As I write this, I’m listening to two guys discuss what “dat good vinyl can be used for….”  After all, incarceration is the mother of invention!