Writing this post as the NBA Playoffs finally wind towards
the end in what I’ve taken to calling the “Month of Screaming.” Inane, insane, incredibly loud and seemingly
endless yelling in the TV room, hallways, cubes, chow hall, yard, etc., before,
during and after any game. Warriors,
Cavs, Bulls, Lakers, Pistons…. Who’s the
greatest: Jordan, Curry, the King,
Durant, Shaq…blah blah blah. Mind
numbing but I also find it funny. Most
of the arguments are nonsensical but pushed with the utmost seriousness and
volume, changing on a dime the next day, running in circles and following the
usual prison theory that he who shouts loudest is right.
In order to make the most of this experience, one must perfect a TV Room Entrance. Coming through the door, you must announce yourself with an ear-splitting shout, repeated at increasing volume over and
over. You can yell someone’s name, for
instance. Doesn’t matter if they are in
the room or not. If that doesn’t get a
rise from those present, your next step is to shout your own name (Frosty in
the House…Frosty the Frost!) Option
Three is a nonsense word or phrase (Yup, yup, Hip Hip! Yup yup, hip hip!) Finally, if these don't have the desired effect, shout the name of an NBA player (Durant! Kevin Durant!
Kevin MF’in’ Durant!) This is my
personal favorite because it never fails to spark a cacaphony of player names
from those assembled. Let me just tell
you, IT IS AWESOME! (Awesomely
ludicrous.) I have not tried to think
about it from any sociological or psychological perspective, though you are
welcome to do so. I just sit back and
marvel at it all.
One night, you guessed it, I had to try it out for myself. Understanding that the point of all this posturing is to be seen and heard, to
garner attention, my first attempt was
to yell a Bobcat Goldthwait (look him up if necessary) sort of garbled,
strangled caterwaul upon entering the room.
People just shook their heads. I
then moved on to a few days of random greetings along the lines of, “Good Day,
Sir!” “Cheerio!” “My Good Man!” Still not the response I was seeking. Eventually I guessed that my problem was
holding back a little. To do the TV Room
Entry right, you have to be all-in. Yes,
my voice can carry, can even boom, so I decided to unleash the beast. First I got all hopped up on a few cups of
coffee, then selected the NBA Player Name Yell.
I opened the tv room door, quietly set my crocheting down in my chair,
and let loose with a bellowing outburst straight up from my toes – “Marc
Ivaroni!!” (Dude was a 76’er in the 80s,
a role player who was one of my favorites.) Finally, the crowd paid attention. Heads snapped around, the usual din went silent, then one or two guys chuckled, others appeared confused, finally someone
asked, “Um, what?” Then everything went
back to normal. I don’t get it, I mean
are these guys all Kurt Rambis fans or something? Well, I’ve already got a plan for football
season. I've been practicing my shouted “Chuck Muncie!”
