This is by far the most secure Low Security federal prison in the country. These guys love locking doors. You’d think they must have attended a Compulsive Door Lockers Anonymous group and recruited guards there. The sound of that lock clicking really starts to get to you. I have nightmares of something jumping off while I’m in the shower and the door getting locked, so I’m stuck in a shower cubicle you can barely squeeze into for God knows how long. At least I’d be clean!
The BOP’s approach to Covid continues to baffle us all. We’re two to a cell, at maximum capacity, but they make a half-hearted stab at socially distancing us at lunch, rec, etc. Like those of you in the world, we are simply exhausted by it all. It’s difficult to look back and comprehend what’s transpired over the past year. At least the days keep ticking off, each day one step closer to home. I have no idea what kind of shape the world will be in when I join you out there. All I know is this message from a guy who recently got out. He wrote: “Imagine the worst day when you get home – no job, no money, PO on your case, dog got hit by a car, truck in the shop, like that. You don’t know what to do, so maybe you just go sit outside and enjoy the sunshine. Instantly, this worst day you can imagine is 1,000 times better than your best day in prison.”
Here’s one way to productively mark time until that glorious “worst” day. I just finished my sixth project as a self-appointed Locker Engineer. First you have to understand that everything we own – our books, our grooming stuff, our clothes, our bowls, everything – has to fit in this 3-foot by 2-foot by 1.5 foot locker, that’s divided vertically down the middle with shelves on one side and a void on the other where nothing will go. My project? McGivering shelves for that blank side of the locker.
Here’s my solution. You can try it at home, a little pandemic fun, if you will.
Let’s start by collecting materials: (1) one flexible rubber (stab-proof) pen (if not available, because, well, you aren’t in prison, any small flexible cylindrical piece of rubber will do); (2) 10-15 to go sporks/spoons in their clear plastic wrapper; (3) sturdy cardboard box at least 11x16 inches; (4) scissors; and (5) ruler.
Step One: Creation of homemade wire. Open all the utensils, careful not to mangle the wrapper (that’s what we’re using here). Discard the utensil, its accompanying world’s least absorbent napkin, and the salt pack (unless you’re working on some good hypertension for your Compassionate Release Plan).
Step Two: Carefully tear each wrapper into 2-3 vertical strips.
Step Three: Now for the magic! Twirl each length of wrapper until the entire length is twisted into a string, then (careful not to let it untwist), with a nice even steady pull, stretch, and abra-cadabra, you now have what looks and feels like high-tensile strength fishing line!
Step Four: Repeat with all the other wrappers, then tie them together lengthwise into one long line with square knots, and you have a sizable length of fishing line.
Step Five: Create the Support Structure. Remove the ink cartridge from the flexi-pen (kind of like the ink tube in cheap Bic pens) and cut the clear rubber cylinder into 3/8” sections. To make the anchors strong, fold a single piece of your fishing line in half and slide it through the rubber tube. Tie the ends of the fishing line together. Now run a second rubber piece through the loop you’ve just made, so you end up with a T-shaped anchor with a loop (see illustration below).
Step Six: Fit the horizontal part of the T into one of the holes in the locker (where shelves would ordinarily go) and you’ve got a pretty sturdy anchor in place. Repeat in other holes around the corners of the locker.
Step Seven: Run your length of fishing line from one anchor loop to another, working diagonally, to create a spider’s web across the opening, creating an under structure for your eventual shelf.
Step Eight: Cut out a square of cardboard that will fit the frame, lay it on top of the spider’s web you’ve formed, and Voila! A sturdy shelf! You’d be amazed at how strong it is.
Step Nine: Repeat to make two more shelves and you now have six equally-sized cubbies in your locker, all strong enough to hold books!
And what will this cost you? Nothing! But your construction crew will greatly appreciate your opening a bag of Hot Tamales (the greatest candy ever!) to share around. The best part is, not only are the shelves useful, building them takes up pretty much a whole day. Tick another one off the calendar, help out a buddy, and eat yourself into a sugar-induced stupor. Hey, another successful day in prison!
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