In prison, nicknames carry weight. Here in the new prison I've been shipped to, I've had to learn a whole new batch of them. Some make sense, some are funny, some are demeaning, and some make you scratch your head. Learning the names of the guys known only by initials is a challenge. So far, I've met DJ, DC, DA, D, JB, JO and KP. Guys with the same name get an adjective to clarify, such as Straight Paul and Gay Paul. (When I asked if that was the best they could do to differentiate, they looked at me like I was crazy.) There's Black Rob and White Rob, too. But then there's Scooter, a guy who had been here awhile, and a new prisoner with the same name. Initially, the tried and true method was applied, so we had Asian Scooter (the OG Scooter) and White Scooter. But then OG Scooter went all "Highlander" on everyone ("There can be only one!"), so we gave the new guy an entirely new handle. Don't ask why, but he shall forever be known as Moped.
Other guys include the obligatory OG and Old School, a Whitey who is Black, a guy dubbed Bama who is from Carolina, and a Chino and a Tiburon (that would be me) who aren't Hispanic. Big Shirley is our male-to-female Trans prisoner (who prefers to be known as Maddie and whose real name is, I kid you not, Guy). Think I'll reach out to Roseanne Cash about possibly recording my new song, "A Girl Named Guy." (For those of you who don't get this little joke, seek Johnny Cash's "A Boy Named Sue" on the interwebs. Btw, did you know that this ditty was written by poet Shel Silverstein?)
So on to the demeaning names: A guy with a partial arm amputation is known as Chicken Wing. Big Al isn't quite five feet tall, but Big Troy stand 6'3" and easily 300 pounds. Goldsmith's teeth are capped in gold. Chief is Native American.
In the non-sense category we have Slick, Nut, Dig, Wax, Mars, and Bear. All of these guys can explain their nicknames, but their explanations only make sense to them.
Let's not forget Buddy Lee and Ricky Bobby -- both, of course, good old boys.
Moving on to the celebrities, there's a Don Johnson, a Randy Newman, a Martin, a Luther, and a King, a Polo and an Usher. But the most amazing name of all, there's this guy who goes by the initials JFK. Not a nickname, it turns out. His full name is John Fitzgerald Kennedy! For good measure, his cellie's name is Hoover, so of course he goes by J. Edgar.
