Here we go, folks, another prison playlist, this one to clock my daily runs. Unorthodox, since I don’t check Beats-Per-Minute to match my cadence, rely on dance, electronica, or other upbeat genres, and often include slow, sad songs. Other guys like angry, hard tunes to get their adrenaline going, but that doesn’t work for me. It’s the story songs I like, fueling emotions and energy, especially those that speak to my time in prison. The following playlist got me through my first ever half-marathon last week! A little over 52 laps around our track!
1. Cumbersome – Seven Mary Three. Simply rocks and the band used to play at a college I attended. One line nails how I felt at the beginning of my bid: “I have become cumbersome to the world.”
2. Bother – Stone Sour. Bleak, but yeah, sometimes….
a. “I wish I was too dead to cry…”
b. “I wish I was too dead to care…”
c. “…my flaws are open season.”
d. “for this I gave up trying.”
e. “Wish I’d died instead of lived.”
Just sitting on your bunk, head in hands, it’s surreal sometimes, as if it’s all happening to someone else. You see guys around you projecting an air, proclaiming that they don’t care. You learn that it’s all bullshit. They only wish they didn’t care – would be easier. The part about “flaws” and “open season”? The media, strangers, even some old friends, tie you up and make a pinata out of you, taking their swings.
3. Nobody Praying for Me – Seether. “Nobody gives a f**k…there’s nobody praying for me.” Let me stress that this is NOT true in my case. Plenty of people have my back, and for that I’m both lucky and grateful. But this song gets to that awful, alone feeling that crosses your mind sometimes (no matter what anybody says). Prison can so mess with your mind!
By this point, you’d think I’d have quit my run to curl up in a fetal position on the track. Nope! I’m just getting into the groove, emotion coursing through my body, reflecting on how low I’ve been at times, but knowing that I’ve risen past it. Now to add some fuel to the Man-I-Got-A-Messed-Up-Life fire. Miles left in this run….
4. Hurt – Johnny Cash. This song has been on previous playlists, but it’s a keeper. Most guys here will understand the lyric: “I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel/I focus on the pain, the only thing that’s real.” Hurt is complicated and takes many forms: shame, guilt, anger, self-recrimination, substance abuse, arguing, fighting with those you love, etc. I’ve said it and heard it from other guys too many times to count, that the pain is at least better than feeling dead inside. You don’t want to become numb to the world.
5. Cages – Need to Breathe. At times, I think we are all stuck in one kind of cage or another, with no simple answer as to how to get out, “fighting uphill battles,” “looking back on all the wreckage,” “we needed redemption and all we got was cages.” No matter how hard you try, will you always be locked up in a cage, even if it’s one you built yourself?
6. I See a Darkness – Johnny Cash. Cash could wring so much emotion from a sparse arrangement. This song makes me think of all the good men I’ve met in prison, all we’ve shared and endured. As the Man in Black sings, I hope they all find peace someday. You try to look on the bright side, but sometimes when you look around, all you see is darkness.
Depressed yet, dear reader? I’m running strong now, just about finished with my Morrissey phase (look it up – 80s musician not known as the most chipper dude). We’ve dived deep, acknowledging how crappy I’ve felt for days on end, yet realizing that I’m still chugging along in spite of it all, that’s what motivates the back end of the run. Resiliency is my super power!
7. I and Love and You – Avett Brothers. Bittersweet song, used to sing along to it with wife and kids all the time, but now here I am in prison and they’re so far away. No way to put it, except to say, it sucks! No one to blame but myself, so no pity party, but still…sucks bigtime. I’ve learned, though, that the key to making it through this bid is acceptance. Do a Rocky and pick your ass up and get back in the fight.
8. Straight to Hell – Drivin’ and Cryin’. In college, would sit around with buddies, singing this song, not to blaspheme in any way, but with a smile and laughter. We didn’t think about going to hell, but solely about accepting who we are. To make it through the day, you have to deal with what brought you to this point in your life, then get on with living. I’ve seen countless guys struggle to achieve this stage. Some can’t get there, still espousing a victim mentality, always blaming someone else for their problems. It may be a cliché, but you have to take it like a man. Own your life, good or bad.
9. Strength – The Alarm. An oldie from the 80s. I remember at age 15, moving to a new town, tagging along with my Bro and his college buddies to see this band opening for Pat Benatar. Though I’m guessing it wasn’t written in a prison cell, this line is fitting: “Someone write me a letter/I need to know I’m still alive/someone give me a telephone call/I need to hear human sound/someone open up the door and let me out of this place/I’ve been caged up for oh so long/I don’t know if I’m living or I’m dying.”
10 Sigh No More – Mumford and Sons. Early on they sing, “You know me/you know me” and it reminds me of my younger daughter. As a toddler, she would wake up early and crawl into bed with Mom & Dad. I’d act surprised, wondering aloud who could be waking us up. She’d grab my head in her hands, bring her round face close to mine, and exclaim, “You Know Me!” Powerful lyrics: “Love, it will not betray you, dismay you, or enslave you/it will set you free to be/more like the man you were meant to be.” That line repeats with a little more energy each time. In prison, a huge hurdle is learning to love yourself and accept that others still love you, no matter how awful you feel. This song speaks to gradually feeling stronger, building on that love until the day I walk out of here.
11 Beautiful – Christina Aguilera. “I am beautiful no matter what they say/words can’t bring me down.” I’ve heard some pretty harsh words said about me, but words don’t make you who you are unless you let them. Btw, have been told I make quite a sight singing along to this tune as I round the track!
12 Alive – Pearl Jam. Probably we’ve all had this thought: I’m still alive, but do I deserve to be? Do I deserve a second chance? Do I deserve the support I’ve received? In the end, savor the new day coming, and the opportunity you have to face it.
13 The Sound of Silence – Disturbed (Live at Red Rocks). Yep, the old Simon and Garfunkel song, but it’s the emotion of this band’s performance that draws me in. The tune and the voice build and build to the powerful ending, like something’s bursting. Of course, gotta be one of the Top Ten ever most famous opening lines: “Hello Darkness, my old friend/I’ve come to talk with you again.” I’ve listened to this song hundreds of times, and I’m still not sure what all of it means. That said, I’ve spent many a sleepless night in darkness, at times locked alone in a cell. So I grasp the cliché, that silence can be deafening, when you’re left alone with only your thoughts echoing in your head. But what I really love is the vibe of this tune (could be singing complete nonsense, and I’d still get goose bumps).
14 Only God Knows Why – Kid Rock. Always my go-to song, from Motor City’s own self-proclaimed white trash rocker. Who’d have thunk it? “People don’t know about the things I say or do/they don’t understand about the shit I’ve been through.” And the kicker: “So I think I’ll keep a walkin’ with my head held high/I’ll keep movin’ on/and only God knows why.” I see it every day, maybe it is God in action, but guys dust themselves off and get back to it, many who have it a lot tougher than I do. There’s this little voice on your shoulder that tells you to get up off that bunk, go do something, anything! Read, study, exercise, talk to somebody, just don’t sit there and let it eat you up! My version of this is my favorite running quote: Either you run the day, or the day runs you. Some days my run is easy, like floating on air. Other days, it’s a grueling marathon, uphill the whole way with wind in your face. Regardless, you have to get to the finish line. Put another slog in the rearview.
Well, there you have it. Yes, a pretty unorthodox playlist for a run, but it works for me. About 2 hours from now I’ll be cueing it up and hitting the track, then a long hot shower, a bit of reading, and hit the sack. Another one in the books. A new guy once asked me if it gets easier over time. Had to tell him the truth as I know it. It actually gets harder. The key is that you have to figure out how to become stronger!
