Crazy is the New Normal

In prison you quickly realize that your definition of normal needs an adjustment.  Allow me to illustrate.  Start off by establishing in your mind a “Sanity Scale” with a range of 1 through 10.  1 is a well-adjusted, self-actualized person, 5 is someone slightly off-kilter, and 10 is a totally batshit crazy individual.  This is not an even distribution, but your typical bell curve with a few 1’s and 10s on the end.  Everyone would like to believe they are a 1, but most of us are more 2.5-3.  So, as with any good measuring tool, we must properly calibrate it.  To do this, we will consider one of the more – if not the most – popular conspiracy theories heard in prison:  the true cause of the 9/11 attacks.   

You will not have to look hard to find a person who will tell you that the U.S. orchestrated the attacks.  Maybe outside prison, that person would be considered a 5 on the Sanity Scale.  Depending on how outlandish the rhetoric, he might even approach a 10.  In the Bizarro World of federal prison, this theory would not rate above a 2, because most inmates would agree with it.  I have given up debating the topic.  After all, nothing can change the mind of a zealot.  Unfortunately (or fortunately, if you consider the entertainment value), 9/11 plots are only run of the mill conspiracy plots in prison.  Each of the following theories merits at least a 5 on the Sanity Scale in my opinion, but in here they barely move the needle.   

In no particular order, here’s the rest of the Top 9 Most Popular Conspiracy Theories in prison:

1. During Hurricane Katrina, the U.S. government blew the levees on purpose in order to wipe out the poor neighborhoods and make New Orleans a “white city”.

2. The BP oil spill was a government plot, too.  The spill could have been capped immediately, but was not, so the U.S. could control the world’s oil supply (how this makes sense, I can’t explain).

3. The Illuminati run the world.  For example, the Pope (chief of Illuminati) told John Boehner to step down or he would be eliminated.

4. The flu shot given in prison contains a microscopic tracking device, because Big Brother is always watching.

5. The U.S. government creates and tests new diseases on prisoners, in order to find the best way to eliminate all black people.

6. The food in prison is doped for many reasons, but the two main ones are estrogen (to make us all gay) and a secret testosterone-killing agent to make us weak.

7. The recent Supreme Court Gay Marriage ruling is a plot to “gayify” America.

8. The light towers give off signals that weaken people in order to control the masses.

These theories are widely accepted truths in prison, which leads me to ask, “Are the mentally unstable more likely to end up in prison or does being in prison make you mentally unstable?”  Which then leads to the bigger issue of whether or not inmates are being given the help they need to reenter society.  From this side of the wall, the view is bleak.  Mental illness, for the most part, goes untreated.  Unless you are aware enough to go ask for help, treatment is just a few pills, and the people who need help the most don’t have it together enough to seek help.  Something needs to be done.  I don’t have an answer, but at least now I know there’s a problem and can work on being part of the solution.