Gay Prisoners

I have a gay friend, his name is Fitz.  That might surprise you, based on the common stereotypes of prison, but it’s really no big deal.  Gay guys break the law just like straight guys.  Anyway, so I have this gay friend – wait!  I realize how this might sound, the “I have a gay friend…” line.  May remind you of the jackass who proclaims, “I’m not racist, see, I have a black friend!”  Trust me, it’s not like that.  I do not have an issue with gay people.  I love gay people.  I love Barbara Streisand!  Okay, so I don’t know a thing about Ms. Streisand, but I have heard that many gay guys love her.  Back to the point, I have a number of gay friends here in prison and it really is not an issue, at least at our facility.  Um, maybe I should just start over?  That might be for the best.

So....  One of my closest friends in prison is a guy named Fitz, who happens to be gay.  If this were a tv show or a movie, where being gay in prison is often made out to be a horror show, that might be a problem.  But in here, in reality, Fitz is well liked and respected by nearly everyone on the unit.  He doesn’t hide his sexuality, nor does he advertise it (although I will contend that loading an mp3 player with Streisand, Bette Midler, Liza Minelli and show tunes is nearly the same as posting “I’m gay!” on the bulletin board).  Fitz is my connection to the Gay Shadow World of our prison.  Talks with him, careful observation, and some surprisingly frank discussions with some other guys on the unit have combined to help me better understand the complicated and taboo topic of homosexuality in prison.

I say taboo, because that’s how it’s portrayed outside prison walls.  Think of all those jokes about dropping the soap, stories of abuse, the token cross-dressing gay guy in a prison movie.  No one would dare have a serious conversation on the topic.  Even reading this post may be uncomfortable for some people.  But for those of you curious to learn more about homosexuality in prison, allow me to present what I have learned to date, and don’t worry, it won’t be too serious.

It seems that men in prison fall into a few admittedly stereotypical sexual orientation categories, such as:

(1) Straight – These men like women, have no interest in men, and are extremely unlikely to dabble in any gay behavior no matter how long they are in prison, but interestingly, they typically live and let live, not judging others. 

(2) Openly Gay – These guys have always lived a gay lifestyle, in and out of prison.  They don’t hide it, nor do they flaunt it.  Often they meet a like-minded inmate and develop a supportive, emotional relationship. 

(3) Newly Gay – In an effort to turn their lives around, these guys first admit to themselves that they are gay.  This honesty leads them to tell family and friends.  While looking for a relationship, they are also more likely to be looking for fun than the first group.

(4) Prison Gay – This is a real term that I’ve learned here.  Okay, you can laugh a little, like I did when I first heard it.  Also known as “gay for the stay.”  Guys in this category do not consider themselves to be homosexuals, instead using gay sex as their only opportunity for intimacy while in prison.  They tend to follow elaborate behavioral rules, such as how often do you allow yourself to have sex in a week, how soon before going home do you have to stop, which acts are allowed, if the other guy has to be openly gay or newly gay, and how long the other guy’s sentence has to be.  The hypocrisy in all this may lead one of these guys to protest loudly if a show on tv has gay characters, or they may rant against news stories about gay marriage.  

The openly gay guys, who tend to have what they call “gaydar”, can pick out Prison Gays in a second.  In our facility, the practice of “gay for the stay” seems more popular with black inmates than with whites.  In one surprising conversation, a hardcore gang dude explained to me that in black culture there is “nothing worse” (his words) than a guy being gay.  So even though other inmates may know what a guy is up to on the sly, a man living the “prison gay” lifestyle has to act like a homophobic jerk most of the time to save face.  The gang dude says he feels sorry for those guys, “because they can’t be 100,” which means they can’t live openly gay. 

(5) Wildcards – This group includes the “homosexuality is a sin” crew, the homophobic-racist-misogynistic jerks, and on the other end of the spectrum, a few pre-op transgender people.  Are the wildcards hiding homosexual urges?  I don’t know.  I try to avoid the haters and don’t know anyone in the latter group to ask.  Luckily, the preachers of hatred are in the minority, and most people just ignore their rants.

Actually, one of the things that has surprised me in prison, probably because of the way prison life is portrayed on the outside, is that so many people from all points on the socio-economic spectrum turn out to be progressive, open-minded thinkers, not just about homosexuality, but about most things.  Gives me hope for the future.  If we can learn to get along together here, dealing in our own ways with all the stress of prison life, and let people live as they wish without prejudice, then maybe we can do that on the outside too?  I mean, right?  Well, I’m off for now.  Fitz is still trying to teach me to appreciate Barbara Streisand.

Groundhog Day Part Two

Without a doubt, the Number One feeling repeated daily in prison is the sense of abandonment felt by inmates.  While some of the examples listed in my previous Groundhog Day post can be viewed in a comical light, it’s hard to do in this case.   I believe I can offer insight on this topic due to my job as prison librarian. 

Hmm, you may be thinking, there is a tenuous link at best between being a librarian and understanding inmates’ feelings.  The best way to explain is to think of the bartender at your favorite watering hole.  People will belly up to the bar and talk, pour out their hearts even.  We don’t have a bar in prison, so the library help desk serves the same purpose.  Guys just want someone to listen and I’m there every day, a sitting duck.  It’s probably easier to unburden yourself to a guy you barely know in the library than to your cubemate that you see every day.  It’s also confidential.  Just one of those unwritten prison rules.  Librarians, food service staff, orderlies – those of us who hear and see a lot – don’t talk about it unless we want to become outcasts.

So what have I learned while handing out books, magazines, and newspapers to my fellow inmates?  The main theme, a sense of abandonment, runs deep, and some of the stories I hear are heartbreaking.  You’d probably expect that, but what you might not anticipate is that most inmates understand.  It hurts, but they can make sense of the reasons why people on the outside have severed ties.  That doesn’t make it any easier for guys who have not seen their wives, children, parents or siblings in years.  They see others go out to the visitation room or receive letters or make phone calls, yet no one ever visits or writes or accepts a call from them.  They all remember someone that they thought would stand by them, but didn’t.   

Even so, nobody seems to blame that person; instead they tend to take out their anger on the government or society in general.  To a man (myself included), everyone seems to have the feeling that our society doesn’t care what happens to us.  All the prison rules and regulations seem designed to create impediments to rehabilitation.  It’s our country, we feel, that has really abandoned us.  As a result, you hear a lot of, “I’m going to make it in spite of THEM!”  “THEY can’t keep me down!” and “I’m not going to let THEM beat me!”  That attitude can become just one more aspect of our endless repetitive routine, the same angry words repeated day after day. 

But I’ve begun to realize that this same attitude may be the key to escaping our Groundhog Day existence.  If you can turn that sorrow, that frustration, that sense of abandonment into productive endeavors meant to improve yourself, if you can channel a combative US versus THEM mentality into some effort to grow despite all the obstacles of prison life, then there can seem to be an end in sight.  In prison language, “you gotta do your time, not let it do you!”  That is how we can escape while still behind bars, find some freedom in our captivity.  After all, whether we have support from the outside or not, inside all we have is the guy we see reflected in the stainless steel mirror.

Groundhog Day

Have you seen the Bill Murray movie Groundhog Day?  If you haven’t, take a few minutes to at least watch the trailer to give you a flavor of what life might be like lived in an ever-repeating loop.  Which is exactly the life I have in prison.  For instance, I can assure you that at 5 am tomorrow morning my neighbor will get out of bed, wake us up by turning on his light, and then walk away for 45 minutes to iron his clothes.  This has happened like clockwork for all 425 days that I’ve been here.  The only variation is that on weekends he starts at 6 am, when breakfast starts an hour later.   

Another example:  without even looking, I know which guys will be anxiously pacing by the door to be first in line at the chow hall.  Proceeding down 27 steps and 207 strides to the chow hall door (yes, I’ve counted.  No way it will not vary, because this is the only route allowed), I will dine on the same weekly cycle (Monday:  biscuits and gravy, Tuesday: Grits, etc.), so I know exactly what I’ll be eating.  I can tell you which guys will be prowling around pandering for more milk or sugar packets and who will be the first to complain about the food, using the exact same words they said yesterday.  

After breakfast, during Freetime, most guys do the exact same routine they follow every other day, and then at lunch, again the same meal cycle.  The tables will be filled by the same people in the same seats as every other day.  Most will be having exactly the same conversation day in and day out.  You can usually nail the topic based on the first few words.  Will it be the “I’m wrongly imprisoned” routine, the “this prison sucks compared to the last place I was in” diatribe or the tried and true “Yeah, on the outside I was (insert outrageous lie).”  This will all keep up for the rest of the meal, no matter what meal it is, and continue on back to the cellblock.

Back at my cell, I wash up and go to work.  This time I take 223 strides to reach the library.  My 3-1/2 hour shift as librarian provides some variation in routine, as I may be asked to do some research, make copies, discuss books with inmates looking for a good read and numerous other tasks that require actual thought.  Don’t worry, though, the mind-numbing monotony will return.

At 1 pm, an elderly man in a wheelchair rolls up to my desk and asks, “Where’s Jay?  I need to talk to him.”  I then explain (sometimes I’m afraid with a Bill Murray-like eye roll) that Jay does not darken our door in the afternoons.  The old man grumbles a few cuss words at me (the same ones everyday, of course) and wheels away.  Next up is a middle-aged Indian doctor seeking a newspaper or magazine.  He asks, “Do you have anything new?”  No.  “NY Times?”  No.  “Post?”  No.  “Time?”  No.  “People?”  NO!  I have tried to explain that his first question – “anything” – covers it all, but it doesn’t matter.  The next day he will return and enact the same routine.

After 4 pm Count, it’s TV time.  You would be amazed at how many episodes of Springer, Martin, and Charmed are on each day.  You might think, okay, I can see how prisoners might watch Springer and Martin, but Charmed?  Witches?  Sorry, I got nothing.  No clue.  Don’t get it at all.  Just file it away with David Hasselhoff is huge in Germany.  Anyway, after some tv watching, it’s time to hit the bunks.  Only to awaken at 5 am when my neighbor’s light clicks on again.

Okay, it’s not exactly like Groundhog Day here.  Murray's character eventually found a way to break the cycle.  That’s not possible in prison.  We either roll with it, coping for 3, 5, 10 or 15 years and make it out of here, or we crack.  The sad part is the futility.  Clearly, the government doesn’t care about rehabilitating anyone.  And at what point does the length of a sentence no longer serve any purpose other than making it harder for the prisoner to re-enter society successfully?  Should we try support, rehab, allowing links to the outside world rather than harsh terms and demeaning incarceration protocols?  It appears to work elsewhere.  At this point, I feel like I’m going to be okay, because of the love and support I get from family and friends, but when I look around at my fellow inmates, I worry.  How will they cope with this tedium when they have been abandoned by everyone on the outside?  How will they ever escape a Groundhog Day fate?

Prison Playlist

It’s nearly impossible to get any alone time in a federal prison.  One of the few ways to semi-escape is to pop in your earbuds and head outside to the track.  I have a cheapie mp3 player (aka a “prison pod”) for those times I just want to have a little peace.  There’s no jail version of Spotify, of course, so to add a song to your pod costs $1.55.  Not a bad markup from iTunes, you might say, until you learn that my prison job pays 30-cents an hour (comparison:  if you made a nice hourly wage of $20/hour on the outside, that would equate to paying $103 per song).  So, to build a playlist, you pick your songs very carefully.   These are not my favorite songs, necessarily, but I’ve downloaded each one for a specific reason.  I can walk or jog and drift away to happier times, events and places in my life.  These songs tell a story to me and about me.  In play order, they are:

Alive & Kicking by Simple Minds:  If only life were a John Hughes film!  Simply put, I’m still alive and kicking, in spite of everything.

Folsom Prison Blues by Johnny Cash:  A classic prison song from the Man in Black.  No, I did not “shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die,” but the song does a good job describing what it feels like to be behind bars.

Born this Way by Lady GaGa:  I could never remember this song or artist and always had to ask my kids, “What’s that Lady Goo Goo song I like?”  They would always roll their eyes and tell me for the umpteenth time.  I love hearing them sing it.

Black by Pearl Jam:  Favorite rock band, favorite song.  One of the few “good songs” I caught my kids humming along with, even thought it was Dad’s music.

Everlong (acoustic version) by Foo Fighters:  Our family’s best song on Rock Band!  We all wanted to be Dave Grohl on drums.  They never let me sing!

Dog Days are Over by Florence and the Machine:  Driving to visit the in-laws one Thanksgiving, this was our favorite song.  Hearing the cute voices in the backseat singing along to it, instead of High School Musical for the millionth time was something we could truly give thanks for.

Redemption Song by Bob Marley:  Takes me right back to my first year in college, taping my Marley poster to the wall and settling into my dorm room.  I love the line, “emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.”  Too many guys here are prisoners of their own minds more than of the fences and razor wire.  This song reminds me that each day your thoughts and actions need to be focused on building the person you want to be in the future.  If you dwell on the past, fretting over how you were mistreated and hating those that wronged you, then you will remain locked up even when you’re outside the fence.

Into the Mystic (live version) by Van Morrison:  Van at his best.  He’s overcome a severe social anxiety disorder that threatened his live career.  At one point even tried performing with his back to the crowd.  Being in prison definitely helps you appreciate a person overcoming obstacles and coming out on top.

Girlfriend by Matthew Sweet:  Caught him at a small club in Atlanta about 20 years ago.  This song has stood the test of time.  Still as good now as it was then.

All Along the Watchtower by Dave Matthews Band:   To those of us around at the beginning, DMB will always be OUR band.  I can’t even count the number of times I’ve seen them perform, from a little local band playing frat parties to the biggest live act in the world, we early adopters like to think we played a part in their success.  While I can sing along to all their original songs from the first two CD’s, I chose Watchtower for this playlist.  There was nothing like watching Dave and the boys give it their all in the early days.  Seemingly totally spent from a high energy show, when you thought they couldn’t do anymore, they’d come back on for an encore and finish up with a blistering 8, 9, or 10 minute jam on this Dylan classic.

Bridge over Troubled Water by Aretha Franklin:  I’ve definitely been bounced around by some troubled waters!  This is a beautiful rendition of a timeless song.

Pink Cadillac by Bruce Springsteen:  I’ve known my wife for 27 years.  In that time I’ve heard her hum along or tap her fingers to a tune, maybe even sing a few bars.  I will never forget riding in the car one day about 5-6 years into our relationship, when this song came on the radio.  She jacked up the volume and let fly.  I was stunned into silence.  It was full on karaoke in the car! It is still the only song I’ve ever heard her sing from beginning to end, and I laugh for joy every time I hear it.

Only God Knows Why by Kid Rock:  Yes, I will admit to being a Kid Rock fan.  This song can lift my spirits.  You may have been knocked down and dragged through the mud, but as the Kid says, “I think I’ll keep on walking with my head held high; I’ll keep moving and only God knows why.”

Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley:  This song should be required listening for every American Idol wannabee.  You DO NOT need to yell, scream, or wail to emotionally connect with your audience.  If you need a good cry, this song will do it for you.  Leonard Cohen may have written and performed it, but for my money, Jeff Buckley owns it, may he rest in peace.

Brother by Need to Breathe with Gavin Degraw.  Just listen to this song.  The sentiments expressed are exactly how my brother (and sister) have treated me during my whole ordeal.  There is no way I can ever thank them for their unconditional love and support (and if you read this, just know that I love you!).

Can’t Find My Way Home by Eric Clapton and Steve Winwood.  I saw a guy all alone by the lightpost strumming a guitar.  I was jogging laps but cut across the field to hear what he was playing.  It was a slightly modified version of this song.  I stopped to listen and can’t forget the pain in his voice as he sang, “Come down off your throne and leave your body alone, something’s about to change.  You are the reason I’ve made it all these years, somebody holds a key.  Well I’m near the end and I just hope you’ve got the time.  Oh, I’ve waited but I can’t find my way home.”  Apparently, the guitarist has been down 20 years and doesn’t know what to expect at home, except the wife who has waited for him.

Warm Love by Van Morrison:  My then GF (now wife) is over and we’re studying for exams.  I take a break to put on this song and we dance.  This feeling comes over me and for the first time I tell her, “I love you.”  Her response?  “Thank you!”  Not exactly what I’d hoped to hear – and I’ve never let her live that one down!

You Don’t Mess Around with Jim by Jim Croce:  Always my favorite song to sing and act out around the house, pantomiming the action.  Always made the kids giggle.

Train in Vain by the Clash:  Commuting in a smallish city, you’re seldom in the car very long.  Our family developed a habit of listening to the same songs over and over.  We may have listened to this classic 6-7 times a week on the way to various practices.  Getting the kids to to not only like, but sing along, was a lot of fun!

How to Prepare Yourself for Prison

So, it’s time to face reality.  You’re going to prison.  We aren’t talking about Mayberry, with loveable Otis the drunk as a cellmate, the kindly Andy and goofy Barney as your jailors, and dear Aunt Bee whipping up delicious home-cooked meals.  You my friend are headed to an honest-to-goodness Federal Prison!  Now, I know that you’ve seen some movies and tv shows and are prepared for the worst.  Take a deep breath and relax.  You are headed to a Low Security Correctional Institute (LSCI), known to most inmates as “prison lite.”  You will not have to sleep with a shank, shiv, stick, blade, knife, etc. under your pillow.  You will not have to “ride with your car” (see footnote 1 below), “rep the area code” (2), flash gang signs (3), or “check in” (4) (unless you really mess up).  Hopefully, we can get you prepared enough for life at an LSCI to avoid undue problems. 

Where do we begin?  That’s easy.  Take everything you have ever learned about the rules of society, those little social understandings that helped you get by every day, and burn them.  Just toss them out.  You won’t be needing them anymore.  Think of yourself instead as a sociologist or anthropologist undertaking the study of a foreign culture.  Just stick with me here.  I will be your guide.

Before we dig deep and delve into the finer nuances of everyday life at an LSCI, let’s start with eleven things you can practice in preparation for your initial weeks of incarceration.  These are listed in no particular order.  While most are universal, each guest at the BOP (Bureau of Prisons) will have his own order of preference, or non-preference, I guess you’d say.  This becomes evident when you sit around and partake in the common inmate game of, “I can’t wait to….”  Seeing, hugging, kissing my family is always number one, so that is taken out of the mix.  You might expect the next top answer to be something to do with food, women, partying, freedom, or some combination of these.  But in fact you are much more likely to hear, “I can’t wait to…walk in my house barefoot!  What can I tell you, some guys dream big!  Okay, back to the list.  Eleven ways to practice for LSCI incarceration:

1. Shower with flip flops on.  About 170 other guys, with unique understanding of the prison guidelines about maintaining good personal hygiene will be using the showers.  Flesh eating, nuclear powered Athlete’s Foot is just one of your worries.

2. Sleep on a 24-inch wide metal bunk bed with a 2-inch thick pad for a mattress.  If you get a top bunk, don’t roll over!

3. Learn to change clothes in a bathroom stall.  And do not allow your bare feet or clothing to touch the floor EVER!  Let’s just say, not all guys have accurate aim.  Your room will be a cubicle with no door and a 6-foot high wall or an open bunk room.  If you need to get into a fresh pair of boxers, you do it in the bathroom stall.  You can hear guys slamming into the stall doors as they contort themselves to get into their gear, and occasionally a string of curses signifiying that someone accidentally touched the floor.

4. Don’t go outside after 8:30 pm – ever!

5. Watch a lot of TV.  Easy, right?  Not so fast.  Find the two loudest, most obnoxious windbags you know.  Have them sit 6 inches behind you and argue at full volume.  Make sure the show is really good, such as Jerry Springer or Wendy Williams, and that the topic is really important, such as, for instance, the Tupac-Biggie shootings.  (By the way, watching the hair-pulling matches on Springer will help give you a feel for the experience of a prison tv room.)

6. Flush the toilet with your foot.  Don’t lose your balance (see Number 3 above).

7. Hire someone to follow you around all day commenting on your business, saying things like, “Hey man, saw you went to the bathroom at 1:12 am.  What’s that all about?”  “Yo, what were you doing talking to so-and-so by the sinks with your toothbrushes in your hands?”  “Not sayin’, just sayin’, you didn’t take enough time to wipe, bro.” (These are actual quotes.  Nothing escapes notice and nothing is off limits.)

8. Practice talking to crazy people.  You know, that guy from the coffee bar?  The one in the ratty hoody nattering on about conspiracy theories, while taking a break from his thousand page “2 guns on the grassy knoll at Roswell with Black Elvis" manuscript?  See if you can round up about 10 of those guys.  Fill up the wingnut shuttle.  Now chat with them.  Everyday.  All day.  They’ll know what to talk about.  They will be attracted to your relative sanity like moths to a flame.

9. End all phone conversations before 15 minutes are up.  Have someone interrupt twice to remind the other person that he/she is speaking to a federal prison inmate (just in case either of you has forgotten where you are).

10. Eat all meals with a plastic fork and spoon.  No knife!  Practice ripping apart your meals or just tearing into them without cutting.   French toast, pancakes, pork chops – finger food!

11. Each time you practice 1-10 above, don’t forget to laugh.  Yes, it’s a trite old saying, but laughter really is the best medicine.  Especially in prison.  If you take this life too seriously, it will eat you up inside.  Laughter helps you keep your perspective, embrace the absurdity, and roll with it for another day.

Footnotes:

1. Your "car" is your home state.  At higher level prisons, people from the same state are expected to stick together.  So the Upstate New York mountain hipster, Wall Street embezzler, and Brownsville, Bronx gang-banger are supposed to find a way.  Make any sense to you?  Me neither.

2.  Similar to #1, but based on your area code.  You may have seen athletes on tv displaying tattoos of their area codes?

3.  On the rare chance you come across this, remember the fake gang signs you and your boys made up at Whitebread High will not do you any good.

4.  Voluntarily go to Special Housing.  Rare at an LSCI.