Half-Baked vs Grill-Face

It was bound to happen.  Even the Greatest Dynasties eventually come to an end.  Ancient Greece, Rome, the Aztecs, even Zamfir the Master of Parflute (if only one reader of this blog has heard of Zamfir, then I am a happy man! )

[Editor’s Note:  See Youtube Video:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ISe0fdoaPs]

You name it, no greatness can last forever.  In here the undisputed, unchallenged King of the Non Sequitur has been the mighty Half-Baked (see a previous blog post on this guy), but entering the fray comes a contender, some would say a pretender, a would-be usurper, for the crown.  Like any good anti-hero, he has a nickname:  Grill-Face.  No, he’s not named for the BBQ variety, we’re talking about the the late 90s hip hop accouterment worn over one’s teeth.  Grill-Face sports a humungous fake gold grill over his significantly protuberant front teeth.  When he smiles, speaks, even sits quietly at rest, all you notice is the gawdy grill.  So he’s got the costume, but does he have the game?  I offer up for your pleasure a sampling of Grill-Face’s best work:

GF:  Hey, do you know anyone who lives in Italy?

Me:  No, why?

GF:  I need to buy some human hair.

GF:  Do people in the Philippines drive big cars?

Me: I’m not sure, why?

GF: I need to figure out if lots of Philippines chicks are virgins.

GF: You work in the library, right?

Me: yeah.

GF: How long will it take to get my commercial drivers license?

Pretty good in the non sequitur department, right?  Now for the explanations:

Turns out that hair extensions is a $2.8 billion industry.  Grill-Face has decided that Italian women have the best hair in the world and seeks to become the region’s “Number One Hair Hustler”.  Figures he can startup while in prison, but needs a good hair connection in Italy.

Grill-Face currently has three prison pen pals in the Philippines and hopes they are virgin women.  He surmises that big cars = losing virginity in the backseat.  But small cars means not so much and a better chance of meeting a virgin.

This one I think was a compliment.  He told me that only smart guys work in the library so I was his best chance of getting an answer (turns out I had one and he’s working on Part One of the CDL application now).

Well, it should be clear by now that this will be a good contest.  And no, Half-Baked will not go down without a fight.  Just the other day he tried this one out on us:

HB:  Girls from the Philippines are really hot.  I almost married one. (Don’t even ask me what’s up with all this interest in women from the Philippines, have no clue.)

Us:  Okay.  You know a lot of girls from the Philippines?

HB:  Never met even one!

Us: Then how did you plan to marry one?

HB: Oh, she just didn’t know it yet.

So here we go – Let the Battle Begin!