Take My General Knowledge Quiz!

I’ve always thought of myself as fairly intelligent.  Over the years I’ve learned a few things.  I’m even a better than average Trivial Pursuit player.  But in here I’ve discovered what a real moron I am.  For instance, not a day goes by without one of my carefully considered opinions or comments laughed at, stared down, or – the ultimate insult to my intellect – laughed at and stared down while being called “that crazy white guy” (even by other white guys)!  These responses are not done with malice, more, I think, in amazement.  One guy shook his head and said he couldn’t believe the things they didn’t teach me in college.

Now, before you climb up on your high horse, let’s see how you fare on a test of general knowledge, Prison Version.  Answer each of these questions to the best of your ability.  No cheating!  No Googling!  After all, Al Gore didn’t invent “them internets” for cheating (by the way, if even one reader gets that reference, THANK YOU!).

1.              How many states are in the United States?

2.              T or F:  Italians are white.

3.              Are Catholics Christians?

4.              T or F:  Wearing a trash bag while working out builds muscle.

5.              T or F:  Pigs have no cardiovascular system to carry blood in their bodies.

6.              Who is the newest member of the Illuminati ruling board?

7.              T or F:  African Americans cannot be racist.

8.              Is/was O.J. guilty or innocent?

9.              T or F:  The louder you shout, the smarter you are.

10.          T or F:  Bill Clinton is having an affair with Michelle Obama.

11.          And if true, why are they having an affair?

Okay, got your answers down?  Let’s see how you did:

1.              You may have said 50.  I did.  But the prison answer is 52.  Washington, DC and Puerto Rico count.

2.              Being a little darker skinned than lily white, I’m often mistaken as Hispanic, so this question comes up a lot.  I say I’m white, and when pushed to say where my ancestors come from, I answer Italy, to which 9 out of 10 times the response is, “Italians aren’t white!”  (Man, think of all the demographic questionnaires I’ve screwed up in my life!)

3.              Of course they are, right?  Well, no, and this one gets people riled up, as they say here, “in their feelings.”

4.              This is a point of near religious certainty in prison.  Every day the Rec Yard looks like a scene from Visionquest (late ‘80s movie about a wrestler?  Anyone?) with everybody draped in trash bags.  No, not to drop weight (which sort of makes sense), but to build muscle.  How?  No clue.

5.              Pigs apparently do have a heart and blood but its pumped or seeps through the body through osmosis, sort of like a sponge, at least that’s the best understanding I have of the concept.  If anyone is intimately familiar with porcine biology and this is actually true, please let me know, because I’ll owe some apologies.

6.              First of all, you are not allowed to answer by claiming you don’t believe in the all-powerful world-dominating cabal.  Secondly, I am told this is an easy one, since everybody knows this is Oprah.  She sold out, made a deal with the devil.

7.              This one can sometimes lead to a reasonable debate.  Can people who have been subjected to systemic racism for hundreds of years be racist themselves?  It’s a conundrum.  One thing we all agree on is that Dave Chapelle’s skit with Clayton Bigsby should be required viewing before considering this question (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8T8L3xcsA3w&list=RDopodqhfYQgY&index=4.)

8.              Hmm, I’ve had this debate on the outside, too.  In here, most inmates of whatever race hold that OJ is innocent but that even if he is guilty he deserved to get off, because the LA cops were racist and corrupt.  If you suggest that OJ being guilty and police corruption can exist side-by-side and you will be laughed out of the room.

9.              I mean, obviously!  YES!  All day and all night!

10.          Of course.

11.          And the reason is, it’s blackmail to keep Obama from declaring martial law and installing himself as ruler for life.  This paves the way for Hillary to do that when she becomes President.  May I just add, you can’t make this stuff up!

Did you fail miserably, like me?  Let me just conclude that I do know many thoughtful and intelligent men in prison.  I am not writing this post to make fun of anyone or to imply that everyone here is a knucklehead.  Rather, I think these ideas are a product of “groupthink.”  We all live in our own little world and as I discussed in a previous post, it’s fairly easy in any community to propogate “facts” if you speak with conviction and bravado (see, for instance, Trump for President campaign).  In here, where we lack resources to fact check, we create our own reality.  Did you know that the Vatican has nuclear weapons?  Shout it loud and often enough and it’ll be true.