Goose Sh*t Crazy

Maybe you’ve used the phrase, “Never seen anything like it!”  Most of the time you've said it probably just to emphasize your point, not to say that you really haven’t ever seen such a stunning/incredible/amazing thing.  We say it all the time in prison, because, well, prison.  Along with its corollaries:  “Craziest sh*t I’ve ever seen!” and “That’s some crazy sh*t!”  I teach an English as a Second Language class where we teach the guys “Esta mierda es loca!”  A more or less literal translation.

Anyway, it finally happened.  If you know me you will have trouble believing this, but I was actually left speechless by something I saw!  And I mean no, I’ve never seen anything like it before.  The other witnesses were equally stunned, but even more surprised I think to see me standing there gob-smacked and unable to speak.

Okay, have I built this up enough?  Are you ready?  Okay.  I mean are you really ready?  Here we go.  Setting is a sunny winter day, 45 degrees, out on the walking track.  I’m with my fellow ESL instructors having some nonsensical, non-prison-related conversation.  About 20 yards ahead of us, strolling along, is one of the many guys in prison with the moniker Doc.  (This guy, though, actually was a former OB/GYN – a guy with Internet connections checked him out.)  Well, this particular Doc has a few quirks.  For instance, he has an imaginary dog name Spirit, writes thriller novels with OB/GYN alien themes (don’t even ask).  You get the picture.  But in prison is this odd, strange, unique, insane?  Meh.  But um, well, back to the bucolic day (I know bucolic is a stretch for a walking track behind barbed wire, but cut me some slack, this is prison, okay!)   

So we’re strolling along, trying to mentally escape the place for a few minutes.  Up ahead Doc can be heard delivering an extremely pedantic lecture on Nutrition to another inmate who seems to be intensely listening to his instruction.  Calories…nutrients…minerals… digestion…healthy…get used to it, etc.  Seemed normal enough.  Then they stop and as we draw closer we hear Doc ask, “Are you ready?  The first time is the hardest.”  He then leans over, picks up a fresh, steamy goose turd (mierda de gansos), pops one in his mouth, chews, swallows, and hands the second delicacy to his student.  Who obediently follows suit and devours the turd.

Drop the mic.  Leave the stage.  We have a winner!  Stunned silence.  Even awe.  Maybe some nerves and fright.  Just to make sure they got all their nutrition, they took 4-5 more snack breaks as they walked their laps.  I got nothin’!  Maybe you aren’t as stunned.  Maybe you had to be there.  But….

In class the next day we tried to tell the story to the Spanish guys in our best broken Espanol.  We also taught them a common English idiom with a slight change (and yes, I understand that this is incorrect Spanish, but it’s part of the joke).  “Loco como la mierda de murcielago” has become “Loco como la mierda de gansos!”  Literally, “crazy like the sh*t of a bat (batsh*t crazy) has become “crazy like the sh*t of geese” (goose sh*t crazy).  We had so much fun over this and laughed so hard that one of the guards came in to ask what was so funny.  One of our students replied with his distinct Mexican accent, “It’s just we love the English so much!  Go Trump!  Build the Wall!”  She smiled and told us we were doing a great job.