Crazy, Crazier, Craziest

I’m on a mission to come up with the ultimate life in prison slogan, the one true phrase, a clear concise statement that will summarize the essential situation, the massive totality of the experience.  This may be impossible, but I pursue it with the tenacity of Sisyphus, the old Greek king of myth condemned to push a rock up a mountain only to see it roll back down again.

I have tried out “In Prison What’s Up is Down and What’s Down is Up” (as compared to the outside world).  Evidence for this Opposite World claim includes the many terms in use to characterize incidents that do not make any sense.  Like the Inuit’s having so many words for snow, in here that sort of creativity is reserved for variations on “crazy.”  For instance:

C-r-a-a-a-a-a-z-y!

That’s sh*t’s ridiculous!

That sh*t don’t make no sense!

Dat N___er’s Craaazy! (Used only by black guys)

That man is burnt (for the behavior of someone who has been in prison so long (18, 19, 20 years) that they make no sense at all).

That sh*t is twisted!

That’s some bullsh*t.

Basically you can start with “That’s some….” Or “That sh*t’s….” and finish the sentence with almost anything.  I’m trying to popularize a few of my own, such as:

That’s some gobbledygook!

That’s some poppycock!

That sh*t’s incomprehensible!

That sh*t’s apocryphal!

And my favorite, based on the unwritten prison rule that curse words must be included in any exclamation, thus improving the import of the message:

That sh*t’s some sh*tty sh*t!

To my great disappointment, so far my additions to the crazy lexicon do not seem to have caught on.  But each day seems to offer new opportunities to try them out.  For instance, the administration has just announced that we will no longer be allowed to have Sharpie pens.  Why?  Were people graffiti-scrawling the walls?  Nope.  Were they being used for some other illicit purpose?  Possibly, I guess, but wrong again.  We were told that some people had begun labeling their possessions with their real names and that sort of behavior must be discouraged.  What behavior, exactly?  Acting to protect your belongings?   Please choose any of the above listed phrases re this new rule (as we have).

Trick is not to give it too much thought, or you’ll go crazy too, and then they’ll have to come up with a phrase to describe you!  Instead, I’ll keep looking for that perfect one sentence prison description.  After all, the rock won’t push itself, and the mountain just keeps getting steeper!