Prison Science

Step aside, Bill Nye the Science Guy, for a new installment of Cutting Edge Prison Science.  What you are about to read is agreed upon FACTUAL information as approved by unit consensus:

FACT ONE:  The reason diabetes is so prevalent among African American men is their high rate of unprotected sex.  (How does this matter, you might ask?  And um, what?)  The prison scientist explains that diabetes is actually a sexually transmitted disease initially planted in black women by the Government to weaken their men.

DISCLAIMER:  Please remember, I do not, in fact could not, make this stuff up and I am in no way endorsing these important scientific discoveries.  That said:

FACT TWO:  Sweat is the body’s way of getting rid of disease.  That’s why you should always workout in multiple layers of clothing, no matter how hot it is, so you can “trap” all illness away from your body.

FACT THREE (as shared by two keen prison scientists):

Genius 1:  I hear the flu is going around.

Genius 2:  Yeah, that sh*t is bad, it gets everywhere.

Genius 1:  Yo, you know how that joint got its name?

Genius 2:  No, how?

Genius 1:  ‘Cause them germs can fly, they from birds, so they like flew (flu) from one fool to another!

Genius 2:  Wait, I thought flu and flew spelled different?

Genius 1:  Come on fool (laughing).  You know back in them prehistoric days MFers couldn’t spell!

Genius 2:  (Nods head.)  You right.

FACT FOUR:  Trump’s border wall will definitely work, because everyone knows that “Mexicans hate to climb!”  (I don’t even know where to go with that one; that statement is crazy in so many ways.)

And my favorite Scientific Prison Fact, are you ready?

FACT FIVE:  Asians are good at math because they are so little!  (Not a person in this conversation skipped a beat at this obvious truth, despite all being basketball fiends who no doubt have heard of 7’6” Yao Ming formerly of the Houston Rockets.  No, this is an iron-clad fact not to be disputed, period.)

You know, this would make a good tv show.  Fake News is popular now, what about a show on Fake Science?  We could start by debunking the Global Warming Hoax (clearly a government plot to take away our cars), move on to the President’s discovery that we are all born with a finite amount of energy that is dispersed by too much exercise, and move right into my collection of prison science factoids.  Anyone interested?  We could get rich!