Water Bottle Cozy Crackdown

It's been a long time, I know, but if anyone's still out there reading this blog, I'm alive and kicking.  The BOP and the proprietors of my federally financed resort, meanwhile, have continued their incessant assault on our humanity.  Consistently churning out insane, inane, and insulting policy.  In my next few posts, I'll be describing some of the new rules, starting with generalities and moving on to decisions that directly impact me.

For starters, let's examine the water bottle cozy crackdown.  All will agree that one needs to avoid the dangers of dehydration.  To this end, prisoners are allowed to purchase a two dollar clear plastic squeeze bottle of the cheap, uninsulated variety.  While warm water will hydrate as well as cold, who doesn't like to gulp down some ice-cold agua on a hot summer day?  Thus, some of us have found ways to fashion drink cozies for our bottles.  The simplest version is just a tube sock pulled over the bottle.  The high-end model is a crocheted cover that may even have a carrying strap, perhaps in team colors or with a flashy design.  In terms of contraband, I'd rate these things about as serious as driving 56 in a 55 mph zone.  No one has ever found a drink cozy to cause a problem of any kind.  But the staff hates these things.  They have become militant about stopping us, seizing the dangerous contraband and throwing them away.  One prisoner dared to question the trash can spike and immediately received a disciplinary shot for insubordination.

Why the crackdown on cozies?  Is it possible we missed the news of Death-by-Drink-Cozy being on the rise out in the world?  Middle-aged Jimmy Buffet wannabees choking each other with drink cozies and jiggers of salt?  Someone please explain.  "Oh I'll explain," a guard chortled.  "Cuz I said so!"