The Only Line that Matters

 

This unit’s got 3 computers for the 128 guys living here. They can be used to check emails and account balances, download music, read prison memos, and submit electronic cop-outs (inmate requests). Everybody wants to use these pc’s, of course, so you would guess that there would be some sort of sign-up sheet, assignment by cell number, maybe form a line?  No, no, and no.

 

Remember the stock exchange trading floor in the film Wall Street? All those manic traders shouting, gesticulating, pointing?  If only things here could be that organized. The minute the cell doors open in the morning, all hell breaks loose:  “I’m first!”  “Yo, you got me?” “Who’s last?” Keep in mind that the unit is just one big room with tiers of cells wrapped around it, like you see on tv.  As soon as you step out of your cell, you start calling your spot. So when one of the lucky first 3 guys to the computers finally finishes his work, the scream, “Who’s next?” goes out. Guys call their spots from the shower, while playing cards, or on the phone. Utter chaos!

 

Now suppose you are downloading music? There’s a 15-minute time limit before you have to log off and start over, but doing so is considered a breach of some unwritten rule. Therefore, you have guys actually getting in line behind themselves, saying things like:  “Wait up, I’m after me!”

 

The complainers, of course, get upset about how long they have to wait to use a computer. I try to explain that if “being in line” means you can be anywhere on the unit doing whatever, there’s no real pressure for guys to wrap up their computer work. But the idea of forming an actual waiting line?  No way.  They go, “What, you mean I’d actually have to stand in a real line?”  End of discussion.

 

After all, guys in prison hate lines.  I know, everybody hates lines, but in prison, crank that up a notch.  We have to stand in line to shower, to use the phone, to use the bathroom, to put hot water in your mug, to get in and out of every door.  Lines, lines, everywhere a line….

 

Some guys, however, can transcend line hatred. These zen Yodas have achieved a higher level of existence that I am seeking to attain. Their mantra has been stated many ways, but always comes down to “I’ve got nowhere to go and all day to get there.”  If the chow line eats up a half hour, well that’s 30-minutes closer to going home.  To these guys, all of life is a line, and the only one that matters is the one at the exit door.  So if my life is a 24-7 line to release from prison, why does it matter where I spend a tiny chunk of it on any particular day?  I can be in line to play chess or shower or use the computer, what’s the big deal?

 

The only line that is important to me ends with my foot touching soil outside the front gates. As I told one greenhorn when he asked me why I seem so chill in line:  “The only line that matters to me ends with the start of the rest of my life.”

Charmed? Seriously?

 

The topic today is the tv show Charmed.  Maybe you know it?  Alyssa Milano, Rose McGowan, the other girl, and sometimes the pre-Big-Boys Kailey Coroco, attractive women to be sure, but plenty of shows have hot women. As you might expect, the popularity of tv shows in prison is directly correlated to said hotness.

 

Still, Alyssa Milano alone cannot explain the INSANE level of devotion inspired by Charmed among my fellow guests of the BOP.  The following is a 100% true report of our prison Nielson ratings.  In the common room, there are eight televisions. One is dedicated to sports (usually ESPN), another to news (most likely CNN), the others to Telemundo, BET/VH1, and – the tv known as the “white” tv is typically tuned to Discovery/History/A&E.  This leaves three tv’s that rotate among FX/AMC/TNT (movie channels), and local tv for shows like American Idol and Family Feud.  All good, no problems, right?

 

Not so fast!  An argument, a serious argument, broke out over which tv would have Charmed on every morning. As more than one person emphatically stated, “I ain’t never been to no prison in the m-f’ing BOP that don’t show Charmed."  Guys got really upset over this. Life without Charmed? Unthinkable! Some guys got into discussing what things are worth taking a stand for, the list going something like this:  (1) being called a B__tch; (2) comments about your wife or mother; (3) dude blowin’ up your hustle (taking money out of your pocket); and (4) Charmed!  Obsessive viewers can quote lines from their favorite episodes.  If you say, Season 3, Episode 4, they can recite a synopsis that will pass a fact check conducted via phone with a Googler on the other end.  I’ve even observed guys turning the channel from a Breaking Bad marathon so as not to miss Charmed!  Workout schedules are planned around favorite episodes.  The other day, they even switched off ESPN to watch the show.  Now, you must understand the gravity of such a situation. The gamblers need ESPN nearly 24-7 for scores, odds, injury updates, etc.  But for Charmed, hey, go for it.

 

As I may have said before, prison is truly Bizarro World (refer to the interwebs for Bizarro-Superman explanation and then Seinfeld for an amusing take on the concept).  I mean, on what planet would someone argue that Charmed is a good tv show? Milano a great actress?  Don’t get me wrong, Who’s the Boss was a cute show. What 12-15 year old boy didn’t like Milano on that show? But nobody was ever fooled into thinking she’d be a future Oscar winner.

 

Maybe it’s like comfort food – just knowing it will be on every day, that you can rely on it, adds some continuity to your otherwise Groundhog Day life.  After all, it’s a harmless, sometimes amusing/entertaining way to eat up some time. They show the episodes in order. When the four seasons end, they just start over again from the beginning, and the guys just keep watching!

 

I wonder if the ladies of Charmed know about their incredible popularity in prison? Here’s a million dollar idea:  “Prison Workouts with Alyssa, Rose, and the Other Lady”- a book or day calendar!  You could dress the Witches in prison garb and add in little blurbs about them, like VH1’s pop-up videos.  If – no when! – this takes off, you can move on to other publications, such as:  Orange is the New Black Yoga, Martha Stewart’s Convict Cooking (don’t laugh, through her friendship with Snoop, guys in prison LOVE them some Martha!), and Felicity and Lori’s Guide to Prison Parenting.  We’re talking media empire here! ConvicTV, books, movies....  Just wait until the former President goes to prison, this thing will explode bigly, it will be YUGE!

 

 

One Way to Productively Spend a Day in Prison

 

This is by far the most secure Low Security federal prison in the country. These guys love locking doors. You’d think they must have attended a Compulsive Door Lockers Anonymous group and recruited guards there. The sound of that lock clicking really starts to get to you. I have nightmares of something jumping off while I’m in the shower and the door getting locked, so I’m stuck in a shower cubicle you can barely squeeze into for God knows how long. At least I’d be clean!

 

The BOP’s approach to Covid continues to baffle us all.  We’re two to a cell, at maximum capacity, but they make a half-hearted stab at socially distancing us at lunch, rec, etc. Like those of you in the world, we are simply exhausted by it all. It’s difficult to look back and comprehend what’s transpired over the past year. At least the days keep ticking off, each day one step closer to home.  I have no idea what kind of shape the world will be in when I join you out there. All I know is this message from a guy who recently got out.  He wrote:  “Imagine the worst day when you get home – no job, no money, PO on your case, dog got hit by a car, truck in the shop, like that. You don’t know what to do, so maybe you just go sit outside and enjoy the sunshine. Instantly, this worst day you can imagine is 1,000 times better than your best day in prison.”

 

Here’s one way to productively mark time until that glorious “worst” day. I just finished my sixth project as a self-appointed Locker Engineer.  First you have to understand that everything we own – our books, our grooming stuff, our clothes, our bowls, everything – has to fit in this 3-foot by 2-foot by 1.5 foot locker, that’s divided vertically down the middle with shelves on one side and a void on the other where nothing will go. My project? McGivering shelves for that blank side of the locker.

 

Here’s my solution. You can try it at home, a little pandemic fun, if you will.

 

Let’s start by collecting materials:  (1) one flexible rubber (stab-proof) pen (if not available, because, well, you aren’t in prison, any small flexible cylindrical piece of rubber will do); (2) 10-15 to go sporks/spoons in their clear plastic wrapper; (3) sturdy cardboard box at least 11x16 inches; (4) scissors; and (5) ruler.

 

Step One:  Creation of homemade wire.  Open all the utensils, careful not to mangle the wrapper (that’s what we’re using here). Discard the utensil, its accompanying world’s least absorbent napkin, and the salt pack (unless you’re working on some good hypertension for your Compassionate Release Plan).

 

Step Two:  Carefully tear each wrapper into 2-3 vertical strips.

 

Step Three: Now for the magic! Twirl each length of wrapper until the entire length is twisted into a string, then (careful not to let it untwist), with a nice even steady pull, stretch, and abra-cadabra, you now have what looks and feels like high-tensile strength fishing line!

 

Step Four:  Repeat with all the other wrappers, then tie them together lengthwise into one long line with square knots, and you have a sizable length of fishing line.

 

Step Five:  Create the Support Structure. Remove the ink cartridge from the flexi-pen (kind of like the ink tube in cheap Bic pens) and cut the clear rubber cylinder into 3/8” sections. To make the anchors strong, fold a single piece of your fishing line in half and slide it through the rubber tube. Tie the ends of the fishing line together. Now run a second rubber piece through the loop you’ve just made, so you end up with a T-shaped anchor with a loop (see illustration below).

 

 

 

Step Six:  Fit the horizontal part of the T into one of the holes in the locker (where shelves would ordinarily go) and you’ve got a pretty sturdy anchor in place. Repeat in other holes around the corners of the locker.

 

Step Seven:  Run your length of fishing line from one anchor loop to another, working diagonally, to create a spider’s web across the opening, creating an under structure for your eventual shelf.

 

Step Eight:  Cut out a square of cardboard that will fit the frame, lay it on top of the spider’s web you’ve formed, and Voila! A sturdy shelf! You’d be amazed at how strong it is.

 

Step Nine:  Repeat to make two more shelves and you now have six equally-sized cubbies in your locker, all strong enough to hold books!

 

And what will this cost you? Nothing! But your construction crew will greatly appreciate your opening a bag of Hot Tamales (the greatest candy ever!) to share around. The best part is, not only are the shelves useful, building them takes up pretty much a whole day. Tick another one off the calendar, help out a buddy, and eat yourself into a sugar-induced stupor. Hey, another successful day in prison!