Emotional Overload Playlist

 The songs on today's playlist all get to me in some way.  I'm not claiming that they're all great songs or that they'll make you cry, but they work for me. When I don't care to fake it or put on the brave face, I just put this on and let it roll.  This playlist, for me, is cathartic, cleansing in a way.  All the stress from the pandemic and the BOP's response, all the hassles my fellow inmates and I have endured, the isolation, loneliness, sorrow - I find that sometimes you have to embrace it.

We were allowed outside early this morning, 39 degrees and windy.  I put on my earphones and ran, not too fast, not hard, but just let the music drive me through all my feelings, "alone" with them for 45 minutes.  Just ran away from it all. I'd like to claim that it was the wind and allergies that had my eyes watering, but you'd know better.  Anyway, here are the songs on my Emotional Overload Playlist, in hopes they may connect with you:

1.    Hallelujah (Jeff Buckley).  Pure beauty this version of Leonard Cohen's classic.

2.    Bartender (Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds version).  DMB does tearjerkers? What gets me here is Dave's tone of desperation throughout, on bended knee searching for something, anything....

3.    Can't Find My Way Home (Eric Clapton & Steve Winwood). A guy strummed this on guitar on the ballfield one evening at dusk, while we all sang along, lost in thought over the hard journey ahead to find our ways home.

4.    Bother (Stone Sour).  "I wish I was too dead to care...I wish I was too dead to cry...my flaws are open season."  Any guy in prison will tell you they've had these thoughts. Some give in and go dead inside. The rest of us? Just gluttons for punishment, I guess.

5.    Bridge Over Troubled Water (Simon & Garfunkle). Maybe you have to be over 40 to know this song, and if so, no explanation needed. If younger, hit the Interwebs - it'll be worth it.

6.    Into the Mystic (Van Morrison).  One of my Top Ten Favorite Songs Ever!  Van at the top of his game, every line telling a story, and all that longing oozing.

7.    Nothing Compares 2 U (Prince & Rosie Gaines). It's Prince's song, but it's Gaines who pushes it to the stratosphere. When they trade lines they just tear at your heart, then the horns hit to bring it home.

8.    Cold (Chris Stapleton). Dude sounds as if his heart is absolutely shattered. No idea if this is autobiographical, but I'm buying it. The guitar crying in the background adds a knockout punch.

9.    He Ain't Heavy... (Neil Diamond).  Cheesy, you say? Maybe. Do you have a brother? Close friend? Sister? This song will make you want to give them a call.

10.    Fast Car (Black Pumas). "Anyplace is better." Trying so damned hard, but getting nowhere, yet still optimistic about somehow starting over.

11.    Love Me Anyway (Pink & Chris Stapleton). Who hasn't had these thoughts?

12.    Sometimes I Cry (Chris Stapleton). When I can't do nothin' else....

13.    I and Love and You (Avett Bros. - Live Vol. 3).  My wife and I sang along to this tune at one of their concerts, and as I remember it, half the crowd was singing along, too, in tears.

14.    Everybody Hurts (REM - Live in Dublin). While you aren't sitting in lockup like me, you and everyone else out there has hurt. But it helps to remember, that you are not alone.

15.    Anyone (Demi Lovato - Live at Grammy's). She has to re-start it, because she starts crying. Power, vulnerability, despair - heart-wrenching!  This one's the knockout punch - if your iron heart has not cracked after this one, you must be an android.

Okay, that's the new list - hope you like it! It helps me, and maybe it can do the same for you on a tough day.

The Only Line that Matters

 

This unit’s got 3 computers for the 128 guys living here. They can be used to check emails and account balances, download music, read prison memos, and submit electronic cop-outs (inmate requests). Everybody wants to use these pc’s, of course, so you would guess that there would be some sort of sign-up sheet, assignment by cell number, maybe form a line?  No, no, and no.

 

Remember the stock exchange trading floor in the film Wall Street? All those manic traders shouting, gesticulating, pointing?  If only things here could be that organized. The minute the cell doors open in the morning, all hell breaks loose:  “I’m first!”  “Yo, you got me?” “Who’s last?” Keep in mind that the unit is just one big room with tiers of cells wrapped around it, like you see on tv.  As soon as you step out of your cell, you start calling your spot. So when one of the lucky first 3 guys to the computers finally finishes his work, the scream, “Who’s next?” goes out. Guys call their spots from the shower, while playing cards, or on the phone. Utter chaos!

 

Now suppose you are downloading music? There’s a 15-minute time limit before you have to log off and start over, but doing so is considered a breach of some unwritten rule. Therefore, you have guys actually getting in line behind themselves, saying things like:  “Wait up, I’m after me!”

 

The complainers, of course, get upset about how long they have to wait to use a computer. I try to explain that if “being in line” means you can be anywhere on the unit doing whatever, there’s no real pressure for guys to wrap up their computer work. But the idea of forming an actual waiting line?  No way.  They go, “What, you mean I’d actually have to stand in a real line?”  End of discussion.

 

After all, guys in prison hate lines.  I know, everybody hates lines, but in prison, crank that up a notch.  We have to stand in line to shower, to use the phone, to use the bathroom, to put hot water in your mug, to get in and out of every door.  Lines, lines, everywhere a line….

 

Some guys, however, can transcend line hatred. These zen Yodas have achieved a higher level of existence that I am seeking to attain. Their mantra has been stated many ways, but always comes down to “I’ve got nowhere to go and all day to get there.”  If the chow line eats up a half hour, well that’s 30-minutes closer to going home.  To these guys, all of life is a line, and the only one that matters is the one at the exit door.  So if my life is a 24-7 line to release from prison, why does it matter where I spend a tiny chunk of it on any particular day?  I can be in line to play chess or shower or use the computer, what’s the big deal?

 

The only line that is important to me ends with my foot touching soil outside the front gates. As I told one greenhorn when he asked me why I seem so chill in line:  “The only line that matters to me ends with the start of the rest of my life.”

Charmed? Seriously?

 

The topic today is the tv show Charmed.  Maybe you know it?  Alyssa Milano, Rose McGowan, the other girl, and sometimes the pre-Big-Boys Kailey Coroco, attractive women to be sure, but plenty of shows have hot women. As you might expect, the popularity of tv shows in prison is directly correlated to said hotness.

 

Still, Alyssa Milano alone cannot explain the INSANE level of devotion inspired by Charmed among my fellow guests of the BOP.  The following is a 100% true report of our prison Nielson ratings.  In the common room, there are eight televisions. One is dedicated to sports (usually ESPN), another to news (most likely CNN), the others to Telemundo, BET/VH1, and – the tv known as the “white” tv is typically tuned to Discovery/History/A&E.  This leaves three tv’s that rotate among FX/AMC/TNT (movie channels), and local tv for shows like American Idol and Family Feud.  All good, no problems, right?

 

Not so fast!  An argument, a serious argument, broke out over which tv would have Charmed on every morning. As more than one person emphatically stated, “I ain’t never been to no prison in the m-f’ing BOP that don’t show Charmed."  Guys got really upset over this. Life without Charmed? Unthinkable! Some guys got into discussing what things are worth taking a stand for, the list going something like this:  (1) being called a B__tch; (2) comments about your wife or mother; (3) dude blowin’ up your hustle (taking money out of your pocket); and (4) Charmed!  Obsessive viewers can quote lines from their favorite episodes.  If you say, Season 3, Episode 4, they can recite a synopsis that will pass a fact check conducted via phone with a Googler on the other end.  I’ve even observed guys turning the channel from a Breaking Bad marathon so as not to miss Charmed!  Workout schedules are planned around favorite episodes.  The other day, they even switched off ESPN to watch the show.  Now, you must understand the gravity of such a situation. The gamblers need ESPN nearly 24-7 for scores, odds, injury updates, etc.  But for Charmed, hey, go for it.

 

As I may have said before, prison is truly Bizarro World (refer to the interwebs for Bizarro-Superman explanation and then Seinfeld for an amusing take on the concept).  I mean, on what planet would someone argue that Charmed is a good tv show? Milano a great actress?  Don’t get me wrong, Who’s the Boss was a cute show. What 12-15 year old boy didn’t like Milano on that show? But nobody was ever fooled into thinking she’d be a future Oscar winner.

 

Maybe it’s like comfort food – just knowing it will be on every day, that you can rely on it, adds some continuity to your otherwise Groundhog Day life.  After all, it’s a harmless, sometimes amusing/entertaining way to eat up some time. They show the episodes in order. When the four seasons end, they just start over again from the beginning, and the guys just keep watching!

 

I wonder if the ladies of Charmed know about their incredible popularity in prison? Here’s a million dollar idea:  “Prison Workouts with Alyssa, Rose, and the Other Lady”- a book or day calendar!  You could dress the Witches in prison garb and add in little blurbs about them, like VH1’s pop-up videos.  If – no when! – this takes off, you can move on to other publications, such as:  Orange is the New Black Yoga, Martha Stewart’s Convict Cooking (don’t laugh, through her friendship with Snoop, guys in prison LOVE them some Martha!), and Felicity and Lori’s Guide to Prison Parenting.  We’re talking media empire here! ConvicTV, books, movies....  Just wait until the former President goes to prison, this thing will explode bigly, it will be YUGE!

 

 

One Way to Productively Spend a Day in Prison

 

This is by far the most secure Low Security federal prison in the country. These guys love locking doors. You’d think they must have attended a Compulsive Door Lockers Anonymous group and recruited guards there. The sound of that lock clicking really starts to get to you. I have nightmares of something jumping off while I’m in the shower and the door getting locked, so I’m stuck in a shower cubicle you can barely squeeze into for God knows how long. At least I’d be clean!

 

The BOP’s approach to Covid continues to baffle us all.  We’re two to a cell, at maximum capacity, but they make a half-hearted stab at socially distancing us at lunch, rec, etc. Like those of you in the world, we are simply exhausted by it all. It’s difficult to look back and comprehend what’s transpired over the past year. At least the days keep ticking off, each day one step closer to home.  I have no idea what kind of shape the world will be in when I join you out there. All I know is this message from a guy who recently got out.  He wrote:  “Imagine the worst day when you get home – no job, no money, PO on your case, dog got hit by a car, truck in the shop, like that. You don’t know what to do, so maybe you just go sit outside and enjoy the sunshine. Instantly, this worst day you can imagine is 1,000 times better than your best day in prison.”

 

Here’s one way to productively mark time until that glorious “worst” day. I just finished my sixth project as a self-appointed Locker Engineer.  First you have to understand that everything we own – our books, our grooming stuff, our clothes, our bowls, everything – has to fit in this 3-foot by 2-foot by 1.5 foot locker, that’s divided vertically down the middle with shelves on one side and a void on the other where nothing will go. My project? McGivering shelves for that blank side of the locker.

 

Here’s my solution. You can try it at home, a little pandemic fun, if you will.

 

Let’s start by collecting materials:  (1) one flexible rubber (stab-proof) pen (if not available, because, well, you aren’t in prison, any small flexible cylindrical piece of rubber will do); (2) 10-15 to go sporks/spoons in their clear plastic wrapper; (3) sturdy cardboard box at least 11x16 inches; (4) scissors; and (5) ruler.

 

Step One:  Creation of homemade wire.  Open all the utensils, careful not to mangle the wrapper (that’s what we’re using here). Discard the utensil, its accompanying world’s least absorbent napkin, and the salt pack (unless you’re working on some good hypertension for your Compassionate Release Plan).

 

Step Two:  Carefully tear each wrapper into 2-3 vertical strips.

 

Step Three: Now for the magic! Twirl each length of wrapper until the entire length is twisted into a string, then (careful not to let it untwist), with a nice even steady pull, stretch, and abra-cadabra, you now have what looks and feels like high-tensile strength fishing line!

 

Step Four:  Repeat with all the other wrappers, then tie them together lengthwise into one long line with square knots, and you have a sizable length of fishing line.

 

Step Five:  Create the Support Structure. Remove the ink cartridge from the flexi-pen (kind of like the ink tube in cheap Bic pens) and cut the clear rubber cylinder into 3/8” sections. To make the anchors strong, fold a single piece of your fishing line in half and slide it through the rubber tube. Tie the ends of the fishing line together. Now run a second rubber piece through the loop you’ve just made, so you end up with a T-shaped anchor with a loop (see illustration below).

 

 

 

Step Six:  Fit the horizontal part of the T into one of the holes in the locker (where shelves would ordinarily go) and you’ve got a pretty sturdy anchor in place. Repeat in other holes around the corners of the locker.

 

Step Seven:  Run your length of fishing line from one anchor loop to another, working diagonally, to create a spider’s web across the opening, creating an under structure for your eventual shelf.

 

Step Eight:  Cut out a square of cardboard that will fit the frame, lay it on top of the spider’s web you’ve formed, and Voila! A sturdy shelf! You’d be amazed at how strong it is.

 

Step Nine:  Repeat to make two more shelves and you now have six equally-sized cubbies in your locker, all strong enough to hold books!

 

And what will this cost you? Nothing! But your construction crew will greatly appreciate your opening a bag of Hot Tamales (the greatest candy ever!) to share around. The best part is, not only are the shelves useful, building them takes up pretty much a whole day. Tick another one off the calendar, help out a buddy, and eat yourself into a sugar-induced stupor. Hey, another successful day in prison!

 

 

Rec Yard Run Playlist - Finally!

 

Okay, scratch the previous playlist for now.  We have breaking news! Tomorrow the famed Covid Lockdown 18 (those of us confined to our cells for over 100 days amidst transfer to new prison – see previous posts), we finally get to go outdoors!  To the prison rec yard! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!  Guys are so hyped, it’s like Oprah’s giving out cars or something!

 

So, in preparation for my first walk/run on the track since before Thanksgiving, I’m shifting to EPP (Emergency Playlist Preparation), all tunes with an upbeat jogging tempo.  This list is (mostly) ‘90s rap, a little something to get the old legs moving again.  I’m so excited!

 

1.     Hit ‘em Up (2Pac).  Basically Tupac and the West Coast crew calling out Biggie, Puffy, and the East Coast rappers. All fun and games until both Tupac and Biggie ended up dead.

 

2.     Hypnotize (Notorious B.I.G.). “Poppin’ them smooth since the days of Underoos.” That line always makes me laugh. (If you’re too young to know what “underoos” are, check out the interwebs.)

 

3.     I Left My Wallet in El Segundo (A Tribe Called Quest). I like this one because it’s a story, not the era’s usual braggadocio, killing, etc. An adventure tale where things don’t go quite as hoped.

 

4.     Juice (Notorious B.I.G.). An urban memoir: “I made the change from a common thief/to up close and personal with Robin Leach.” Before MTV Cribs, remember Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous? That’s when you knew you’d made it.

 

5.     Unbelievable (Notorious B.I.G.). “I got 357 ways to simmer, saute, I’m the winner all day.” Biggie knew how to “serve up” other rappers; makes me smile every time I hear him go off like that.

 

6.     0 to 100 (Drake). Most current song that I own, and it’s not that new.

 

7.     Warning (Notorious B.I.G.). Great beat for keeping up my running pace, plus a lot of clever slanted rhymes in here for a guy who claimed to not be that bright.

 

8.     Lose Yourself (Eminem). When I’m getting tired, this one will help me catch that second wind.

 

9.     Welcome 2 Detroit (Trick Trick).  Detroit’s call out that the West and East Coast rappers better not overlook them anymore.

 

10.  Run this Town (JayZ/Rihanna/Kanye). Rihanna’s contribution is great: “I’m just trying to change the color on your mood ring.”  Remember mood rings?  Hilarious!

 

11.  2 of Amerikas Most Wanted (2Pac & Snoop). “Nothin’ but a Gangsta Party.” This one in honor of all the wannabe gangstas in prison.

 

12.  Hostile Gospel (Talib Kweli). “The truth is hard to swallow/and it will leave you scarred tomorrow.”  Ain’t that the truth. Kweli is a smart guy, a great lyricist. So many clever, thought-provoking lines in this one.

 

13.  Eat to Live (Talib Kweli). Story about a family struggling to survive. Vivid picture of the lives of the impoverished. “Grandma say Jesus will be here any day/good ‘cause with nothin’ to eat/it’s gettin’ hard to pray.”

 

14.  Wu Banga 101 (Ghostface Killah, GZA, Cappadonna).

 

15.  Legend of the Liquid Sword (GZA). He’s from the Wu Tang Clan. Great voice, great beat.

 

16.  It’s Not a Game (Raekwon & GZA). “If you don’t stand for this life, you fall for anything/we plan our dreams/it ain’t a game/we don’t run game, we run businesses/watch us shine/watch the world be our witnesses.”

 

17.  We Will Rob You (Raekwon/Slick Rick/GZA/Masta Killa). Another story song. Maybe it's because I'm just a middle-aged White guy, but tales like this are more engaging to me than staccato yelling about how great you are.

 

Woohoo! Alright!  So, the 18 of us looked like extras from The Walking Dead. After 100 days in lockdown, we stumbled outside, pale, cringing at the sunlight, but – we made it! Let me tell you, never has an oppressive, barbed-wired, walled-in, guard towered, spotlighted blight of a so-called Rec Yard looked so beautiful!  Yes, the Morman’s say it’s in Missouri or someplace, but I may have just found Eden!

Country and Western Prison Playlist

 

So things have finally started looking up – relatively speaking – after 100 days of lockdown. We finally received our property!  Now that I have my MP3 player (Prison-Pod), I spent a couple hours piecing together a new playlist.  This one has the added benefit of drowning out MAGA Man’s snoring!

 

1.     Folsom Prison Blues.  Might as well jump right in with a classic, but let’s switch it up by going with a version by Keb Mo from Kindred Spirit: A Tribute to Johnny Cash.

 

2.     Bartender. This song sums up the attitude you get from a lot of guys in prison.  The “Oh, I f__ked up this time, might as well just sit here and take it.” No bitterness, just a resigned, “Oh well.”

 

3.     Tennessee Whiskey (Chris Stapleton version).  No offense to any Kentucky bourbon fans, but Jack Daniels is the woe-is-me country drink of choice.

 

4.     Whiskey Glasses (Morgan Wallen). What’s a country song without whiskey and women? Although, if you follow the news, old Morgan has some other issues to contend with right now.

 

5.     You’ll Never Leave Harlan Alive (Patty Lawless). Hauntingly beautiful song. I’ve met some guys from the nearly mythical Harlan County, and it sounds like a pretty rough life. Melancholic story that puts things in perspective. For some, day-to-day life is a struggle.

 

6.     Beers and Sunshine (Darius “Hootie” Rucker). Not all country songs are about sorrowful drinking. Hootie picks us up a little bit. This song makes me think about the current state of the world, when he sings, “The only BS I need is Beers and Sunshine” and “…everyone’s down in a world gone crazy.”

 

7.     Allentown (Eric Church). Okay, just stop! Before anyone yells about this being a Billy Joel song and not country, it’s my playlist and my hometown, so I can include it if I want. Plus Eric Church makes it country.  I include this not only because I like my hometown, but because of some of the lyrics. You have to be tough to have grown up in Allentown back in the day. Granted, I missed a lot of this (thanks to my wonderful parents), but the ethos is passed down. As the song says, “It’s hard to keep a good man down, but I won’t be giving up today!”  This song speaks to my current situation, too.  Toughness and resiliency are needed even at the “easiest” prison. All I can say is, I won’t give up today. It’s just how we roll in A-Town.

 

8.     I See a Darkness (Johnny Cash). Performed here by the Man in Black, this song was written by one of the Oldham brothers (Will, I think) from the band Palace. He also goes by the name Bonnie Prince Billy. All I can say about this song is that I’m man enough to admit that at times it makes me cry. Sitting alone in the dark, thinking about some of the friends I’ve made in prison. We’ve seen the true Darkness, but we still hope that the love we have in us will win out, that family, friends and society will the true us.  “To live I wont’ let go.”

 

9.     Sometimes I Cry (Chris Stapleton). Life in Prison:  “There are days I can walk around like I’m alright/I can keep the pain from coming out of my eyes/but sometimes, sometimes I cry when I can’t do nothin’ else.”

 

10.  Stick that in Your Country Song (Eric Church).  A tale of the hard workin’, maybe mildly disillusioned American. A good old rebellious country shout.

 

11.  Sinners Like Me (Eric Church). A little drinkin’, a little growin’ up, a little regret, memories.

 

12.  In Color (Jamey Johnson). A family story about coping with tough times the best you can.

 

13.  Jack Daniels (Eric Church). No equivocation here.  Just straight up a man and his bottle, the bottle kicking his ass again and again.

 

14.  Nobody to Blame (Chris Stapleton). When he says, “Turned my life into this country song,” that about says it all.  Prison is one long country song, when you think about it.

 

 

90 Days and Counting

 

DAY 90! 3 months. A quarter of a year. A whole season. Wow. Like many other prisoners, I have been living under unusual confinement rules, what they call a “modified schedule,” since Covid first hit a year ago.  For the past 90 days, my cellmate and I have been confined to a cell with a bunk bed and a toilet, ostensibly to protect us from the virus.  It’s been epically awful.  

 

For instance, of late, my cellie has taken to eating 4-6 apples or pears a day.  I don’t know if this sudden change of diet is the cause, but he has added a new treat to his repertoire:  4-5 times a day he squats on the toilet next to our bunk and shits out roadkill. Love Canal and Lake Erie can now look at each other with an “at least we’re not that bad” attitude.  My only resort is to spend most of the day with the blanket pulled over my face because at least then I can only smell my own B.O., which I’m more or less immune to at this point.

 

One positive is that I’ve found a way to get my cellie to pipe down when he waves the MAGA flag to get an entertaining argument going. He has an undying love for Stephen King, whom he regards as the greatest writer of our generation. His basis is “look how many of his books have been turned into movies.” When I try to engage in intelligent discourse about how that statement actually may just say that he writes books that make good movies and nothing more, he stands unfazed.  Hemingway, Tolstoy, Delillo, Faulkner, Lee, King. Anyone else think old Steve doesn’t belong on this list? 

Anyway the other day another guy favorably compared Dean Koontz to Stephen King.  Now, I’ve never read a Koontz novel, but I’m guessing his books may fall into the same genre as King.  Well, saying that sent my cellie into an apoplectic fit. I thought he was going to finally challenge me to a duel or something in defense of his writing hero. I filed this away for future reference.

 

Now, whenever the rumblings arise of “That damned Nancy Pelosi!” or “The problem with BLM” or “What’s so wrong about naming a school after Robert E. Lee?” all I have to say is “Man, I can’t wait to get out of here and grab me a good Dean Koontz book” and my cellie freezes like a spotlit deer.  A-ha!  MAGA Man’s Kryptonite!

 

Luckily, in spite of everything, even after 90 days, his attempt to blow up the toilet, and his idolatry of the former President, we do actually get along pretty well.  I’m thankful for having a good cellie.  How we get along, I don’t know, but somehow all considered, it appears to work.

 

Starting on Day 91, I’m going to stop griping.  Maybe, possibly – at least I’ll try.  And hey, you never know.  Day 91 could be the day the cell door opens, we receive our property, we get issued a full set of clothes….  I mean, A MAN CAN DREAM!